Fairfax Pool will be opening in a matter of weeks. Today you can feel the excitement in the air, and only a couple of weeks ago you could also see the snowflakes falling from the sky.

Like a lot of things around Eau Claire, Fairfax Pool Is For Kids. Kids and families, families and kids, kids kids kids, families families families. Move to Eau Claire, get the family pass, do the family activities, create a special family section in your events magazine, go to a family-friendly show, ask for the kids’ menu – it’s all here. The new Children’s Museum is like the Guggenheim of downtown Eau Claire. The first floor of the new library is the kids’ section. If you swim at the downtown Eau Claire YMCA, you’ll be surrounded by banners proclaiming, “We Believe in Families!” – as though families were akin to a fleet of UFOs you once saw that is going to take some explaining. The Truth Is Out There, and it’s families.

But kids and families aren’t the only ones at our vaunted Fairfax Pool, now 32 years old, the age at which you buy your gravesite if you’re a woman in Hollywood. There are also adults who are there to swim laps. I’m one of them. We know we don’t matter, and yet we still exist. Let’s talk about that.

Hi, my name is Laura, and I’m a lap swimmer. Some call us “Master” swimmers, but we’re not allowed to use that term for some reason, and so what I can legally say is that I’m involved in something called “tri/lap league.” Starting in June, we’re at Fairfax from 5:45-7am three days a week, just swimming back and forth like a bunch of dummies until it’s time to go to work.

It actually feels great, and is not that dumb, and we are not technically dumb – there are plenty of smart people in that group. I won’t out them. I will say that one of them is a dentist, and another a very specific kind of doctor, two of them are lawyers, and there’s also an engineer in there. So yes, it’s a smart group. Except we’re there at 5:45 in the morning, which might technically be dumb.

Starting in June, we’re at Fairfax from 5:45-7am three days a week, just swimming back and forth like a bunch of dummies until it’s time to go to work.

But you will never see those adult lap swimmers. We are long gone by the time the pool opens to the public, to the Children, to the Families.

If you come during the other lap times, though, you may see the *other* lap swimmers. Those people are not us, for the most part. Should we even call it swimming? Sure. Sure it is.

The nice way I can say this is that recreational lap swimmers at Fairfax are not the same as Masters, sorry, tri/lap league swimmers. The lap-swim-during-regular-hours experience is totally different and can be summed up thusly:

There Are No Lane Lines and No One Wants to Share.

You could also say that early-morning swimmers are a green smoothie and the regular-hours lap swimmers are a Pop-Tart.

Have you ever tried to get in a decent swim while other people were backstroking diagonally across the lap area because they were busy looking at the sky? No? You will.

Have you ever gotten into a quite large pool that could technically accommodate lots of swimmers and had someone immediately throw a quiet, mumbly hissy fit because they were there first? Get ready.

It actually feels great, and is not that dumb, and we are not technically dumb – there are plenty of smart people in the group. I won't out them. ... Except we're there at 5:45 in the morning, which might technically be dumb.

Have you ever found yourself “swimming” behind someone who wasn’t so much swimming as kind of floating, propelling themselves lightly with their upper arms while their legs dangled like the tentacles of a jellyfish?

This awaits you, as does the guy with fins, the knuckle-slapper, and the one who came to swim but really came to talk. This is the same person who will make sure to ask you a question just as you’re taking a big breath and about to go under. Oh my gosh, what do you WANT!?

They want to talk.

So, this is why the 5:45am swimmers are there at 5:45am. It’s all business at that hour. You get in and you swim in a circle because that is what dignified people do. You follow the workout. Then it’s 7am and you leave.

You need to get out because soon the families will be there. The families and the children. Children children families families families. They’re everywhere. Gosh, are they everywhere. And we believe in them. We really do.

My alarm goes off at five.