As with any anxious millennial, I have tried nearly every Google-searched solution reduce the inconvenient, spiraling thoughts that have comfortably made their nest in every corner of my mind. From eating like a Brontosaurus to increasing my connection to nature, no neurotic stone has been left unturned and yet, inexplicably, those shaky leg, heart racing feelings forged ahead. So, at the beginning of February, I made a plan to commit to the one enemy of anxiety I had been avoiding: meditation.

I went into the experience with an open mind (pun intended). I'd sit on a surface of my home (full transparency, it's usually a cold floor), I'd pull up the "Daily Trip" on my "Calm" app (not sponsored), and I'd hit the head space. For around 10 minutes, I would relax my forehead, release my tongue from the roof of my mouth, focus on deep breathing... and allow my thoughts to absolutely spiral out of control. 'Am I meditating right?' 'Why am I sitting here?' 'Is this even helping?' Don't worry, other non-mindful questions arose as well, like, 'do I like the smell of that candle?' 'Are we out of butter?' And, a crowd favorite, 'does everyone hate me?' Needless to say, the first few nights of doing this felt a little bit fruitless. I'd finish the practice, open my eyes, and wonder if the minutes spent were a waste of time. As with any pursuit of routine, sometimes the prospect of throwing in the towel seems like the only possibility.

”

HOW INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE HARSH REALITY THAT STICKING WITH SOMETHING THROUGH THE INITIAL HARDSHIP CAN PAY OFF IN THE LONG RUN!

What ever happened to good old fashioned instant gratification?!

sarah jayne johnson

And then, as the weeks passed, the progress sucker punched me in the most peaceful way. I found myself looking forward to the indulgent passage of time quietly spent cross-legged with my thoughts. I felt the suspension of overthinking finding me a bit faster and caught myself being more capable of grounding my focus in uncertain moments. The need to fall down the rabbit hole of hypotheticals began to evolve into an introspective look at the present. A sense of longing for what could be turned into a grounding gratitude at what currently is – even if it's not always ideal. How incredibly frustrating to come to terms with the harsh reality that sticking with something through the initial hardship can pay off in the long run! What ever happened to good old fashioned instant gratification?!

We live a glorious life of seasons (both physically and metaphorically). We stew in the valleys of misfortune without remembering the peak of what's next is only a horizon away. We see a frozen Chippewa River as we curse the Wisconsin cold without remembering how good a float down it will feel when the time comes. We forget that sometimes to get to the pay off, we have to pay up a bit along the way. And sometimes, that pay off takes longer than we may want to think about. 

There is no one-stop-shop solution when it comes to self improvement. Leafy greens will come and go and nature isn't always there to nurture (especially if you have spring allergies). But all journeys to mindfulness must start with a single step or, maybe in this case, a single self-spiraling, cross-legged sit.