We can dream, can't we?

Let’s look forward! Using a combination of government espionage, crystal ballery, swamp voodoo, and thousands of focus groups, we have formulated what we believe to be some of the more likely (and noteworthy) local occurrences of 2017. See what you think. In one year’s time, if none of these things happen, you have our sincerest apologies.

Looking to replicate the success of its fantastic Christmas Village light display, Chippewa Falls launches “Groundhog Hamlet” in the newly revamped Irvine Park Zoo, just in time for Groundhog Day. Attractions include “Groundhogs on Parade,” a burrow-building contest, a classic car show, and the Groundhog Pit, which is like a ball pit but instead of balls, it’s filled with groundhogs.

Standing tall as the winner in Eau Claire’s brutal “FroYo Wars” – which ravaged local tastebuds for most of 2015 and 2016 – CherryBerry will branch out across the area, including Chippewa Falls, opening new locations of its offshoot brands: StrawberryBerry, BlueberryBerry, RaspberryBerry, and the company’s more savory boutique franchise, OreganoBerry. Never will the people of the Chippewa Valley have enjoyed such unfettered access to self-serve frozen yogurt and treatastic toppings.

In April ground is broken for condos to be built on the site of the former Huebsch Laundry building in downtown Eau Claire. But workers delve too deep, discovering a stone vault beneath the sod and soil. Cracking open the vault breaks a mystical seal, unleashing a blinding red light as the Carson Park Rocket Slide emerges from its hidden tomb.

Following 2016’s explosion of new eateries, local restaurateurs look to stay ahead of national trends, offering the most exciting dining opportunities food will physically allow. Pushing the “farm to table” concept to bold, new horizons, Menomonie sees the opening of “Munch” in mid-September – a “farm to mouth” restaurant. Calling them “so suburban and overdone” the owners eschew tables altogether, offering you a farm field in which to sit and eat whatever you see. Meatier options are available in a nearby barn.

Following Eau Claire’s discovery of a broken sewage pipe in the Eau Claire River – caused by a runaway barge the year before – city officials send divers to inspect the rest of the waterway, finding more damage. They discover that the barge also nicked underwater wires carrying downtown’s outdoor music system, accounting for a mysterious 40 percent drop in city Muzak levels, as the broken pipeline spewed horrible instrumentals into the current. As the city switched to a local music format last August, the river’s increased BIpG (Bon Iver per Gallon) levels caused fish to produce their own ambient soundscapes.

Midway through the year, it happens. What we will come to know as The Announcement is actually a press release sent to local media at approximately 7:25am May 16. As the news spreads via social media, radio, and television, lawless pandemonium erupts. People run from their homes. Vehicles are left strewn across the roads and highways, doors ajar. Strangers huddle on street corners – adults and children together – to weep. Citizens climb trees and scale power poles as they shriek with joy. The title of the press release is as follows: “Trader Joe’s Announces Eau Claire, WI Location.”