>> Scroll down for live updates on this breaking story!  <<

 

Prepare for the worst.

Next Wednesday, Volume One is prepared to unleash something so horrible, so dreadfully awful, that none who enter our store will be able to resist its power. That’s right, from 4-6pm on March 16, our Local Store will play host to … a cute little Girl Scout selling delicious Girl Scout Cookies.

This isn’t a bluff, and also, it is not a hoax . We don’t know exactly how it happened (our memory of the meeting consists of eating a couple Thin Mints and then quickly acquiescing to the Scout’s demands) but we know that if she doesn’t sell enough cookies … well, it could get ugly for us. Real ugly. So that’s why we’re also going to offer a 20% discount on any one item in the store to anyone who comes in and buys at least one box of cookies. We figure that the cookies' deliciousness is probably enough to lure you in, but an extra incentive can’t hurt. After all, our lives could maybe depend on it.
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UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!

 

BREAKING: If you do not buy cookies from
this Girl Scout (pictured), her dog
(also pictured) will be taken away.
Totally true story. For real.

We've just gotten word from unremarkably reliable sources that the real, actual, local Girl Scout who will be selling real, actual, delicious girl scout cookies at the Local Store (17 S. Barstow St.) on Wednesday, March 16 from 4-6pm will have her dog taken away if she does not sell enough cookies. Yes, it seems weird and bizarre and totally unlikely and cruel and maybe just a dumb joke, but we can assure you with a questionable level of credibility that the real, actual Girl Scout pictured to the right will maybe have her dog viscously taken away and lovingly given to a different little girl "who can actually sell" if you do not buy enough cookies. To avert this evil plan, come and buy some Samoas or something. We're not kidding. Seriously.

Also, buying cookies at the store will get you a 20% discount on any one item.