Today we get news that local rivers are moving fast enough to pose a danger to the city’s fine, young tubers. And on this very same day, we also learn that local rivers pose a danger to fleeing criminals – because they’re an absolutely stupid getaway route. From the WEAU.com ...

• [The police] chased Spates [wanted on a bond violation] until the man ran down to the river near Putnam Street. Rokus says officers surrounded the area and spotted him jump into the river. They say Spates floated down the river, trying to get away twice before he ran into a neighborhood and was arrested.

What an idiot. If I were him, I’d keep a self-inflating getaway tube in my back pocket. That’s kind of River Getaway 101, you know?