It’s Autumn which means, much like the banks of the mighty Chippewa River after the Spring thaw, the city is overflowing with new people. College freshmen. Transfers. Transplants. Mysterious drifters who disappear when you look directly at them.

Business people.

Well, listen up, baby Eau Claireians. I’ve assembled a mini-guide of notable-n-notorious Eau Claire places. Hopefully it will better prepare you to gulp from the water hose which flows with our city’s many pros and cons. 

Where Skeels Meets London Road

A local crossroads you must avoid, the intersection of Skeels Avenue and London Road is a lawless place where the gods refuse to wander. Some people may claim it’s just a normal, multi-lane four-way stop, easy to navigate with a rudimentary knowledge of basic traffic regulations. These people are idiots. Possessing a strange gravitational pull, the area sucks all understanding of “right-of-way” from your brain and broils it with hellfire. You will no longer know how to proceed, and neither will the morons around you. ‘Tis a whirlpool of frustration and furious hand motions. It will destroy your sanity.

The Bon Mural

Most of you will be too young to have heard of a local guitarist and singer named “Bon Iver.” He had a different name once—a real one—but it was lost to time. Eons ago, Mr. Iver and his merry band of alt musicians unleashed an album called “22, A Million.” Equally gibberishical was the album’s cover art, which you can find immortalized on an old wall at the corner of South Farwell and Eau Claire Street. Once a year, when the full moon’s light shines upon the mural, if you whisper the ancient word “Kanye” to the dusty bricks, a secret doorway will appear amid the arcane symbols. They say, if you enter, you may find a VHS tape recording of a “CD release party” at the Stone’s Throw for a band called “Mount Vernon.”

Listen to me now: You must never watch this tape.

The Secret of the Falls

The legends are true. There really is a whole town located 20 minutes* north of Eau Claire called Chippewa Falls. Many locals will tell you that Chippewa Falls is too far away to be real. But I promise you, it is real. And if you expend those precious 20 minutes to travel there, you will find a place with a great park, a zoo, a great downtown, and … different restaurants. Truly a place of wonder and awe.   

*By car. It’s one hour, one minute by bike. And four hours, 4 minutes by foot.

The False Falls

Do not confuse “Chippewa Falls” with the “waterfall” found on Eau Claire’s Fairway Trail. One is a midwestern town with its own library and police department. The other is a trap for gullible social media enthusiasts. You see, if you venture into Boyd Park, and then venture through the attached native prairie area, you will find Fairway Trail. And if you venture down said trail, you will see many things. Trees. Rocks. Petite cliffside pathways. Angry squirrels. But one thing you will not see is a natural waterfall. Surely, you will see something that looks like a waterfall. And you can take your selfies and post them, saying, “I never knew this was here! Right in the city!” But you will have been deceived. For the gorgeous water trickling down the sandstone from high above does not come from a cold, clear creek or a hidden spring. It comes from the gutters of nearby Fairway Street. What you thought was a waterfall is, in fact, a storm drain. And you done got pranked, buster.

For now, these are all of the local places I will describe. Perhaps I will write a “Part Two” so as to further expand your local knowledge, but hear me now: I will not do that.