What does it truly mean to be an Eau Claireian? What makes you local? When do you really understand this place? Do I really need to write a whole paragraph to introduce my topic? Don’t the title and the listicle format provide the needed context?

Bridge Fatigue

Eau Claire is a “City of Bridges” which is why it’s so easy to get sick of them. Car bridges, footbridges, railroad bridges. A few of them are pretty cool, but most of them are just boring old bridges that hardly do anything. And at least one of them has a big hole in it. So who cares? When the last lumbermill closed, we should have just moved the whole town 20 miles south to escape the moist chokehold of our local waterways. Maybe then we’d have proper roads like a real city.

The Franchise Emotional Rollercoaster

As soon as you hear whispers of a popular chain restaurant coming to Eau Claire, buckle down. Things are gonna get rough. First comes the excitement. Hundreds of people can’t wait for this chicken, Asian, chicken, burger, or chicken place to open. Then comes the backlash. Why do we need another chain eatery? We have so many moms-n-pops struggling to stay afloat. Then comes the buildup. The place is hiring. They have an opening date. The local news is covering it! Then comes the misery. Cars line up for miles to get’em some. Roads are jammed. Intersections are clogged. Who thought this was a good idea? Finally, acceptance settles in. It’s just one more fast food place. You tried it a few times. It’s fine.

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There’s only one reason to watch live network television, and her name is Judy Friggin’ Clark.

MIKE PAULUS

Complaint Inception

Also known as the “Carousel of Bitching,” this experience most often happens online when discussing just about anything related to the Chippewa Valley. Popular topics include affordable housing, parking, small restaurant ownership and operation, the appropriate seating capacity for a regional arts center, authentic Italian food, optimal firework launch locations, and gentrification. You know – the stuff upon which most locals are absolute experts. You start by complaining about something. (“Parking downtown is HELL.”) Someone then complains about your complaint, accusing you of limited perspective. (“You think EAU CLAIRE is hell? Try parking in NEW YORK CITY!”)* You can now complain about this new complaint by complaining about the other person’s lack of empathy. (“Try telling THAT to my 200-year-old GRANDPA who lost his LEGS in the WAR and has TICKETS to HAIRSPRAY!”) Continue the cycle of one-upmanship until everyone loses consciousness.

Unsolicited Sweat

Have you truly lived in Eau Claire if you’ve never felt the annoying trickle of your own sweat streaming down your body as you do simple things? Like walking from your car to your house in August? And walking from your house to your mailbox in August? And walking from the cool sanctuary of a grocery store into a blazing hot parking lot, toting multiple plastic bags filled with hot rotisserie chickens, jars of mayonnaise, and boxes of Suddenly Salad in August? You haven’t.

Fleeting Mallstalgia

For this experience, you need to have been vaguely conscious of your surroundings in the 1980s and 1990s and maybe the 2000s. You need to have experienced the magic of “The Mall” with its hustle and bustle, hordes of unsupervised youths, and Cinnabon smells. You need to have spent hours in Aladdin’s Castle and Loose Change, plugging pocketfuls of quarters in the Street Fighter machine. And now, here in 2024, you stumble into the Oakwood Mall for some unfathomable reason – and boom. The nostalgia hits. You gasp. Because you loved it here. Times were simpler. You had friends. You had no responsibilities. It was perfect. But after you walk about 100 feet into The Mall, this feeling suddenly fades. There are no more WaldenBooks. There are no more KB Toys. And that oddly cinnamony scent upon the air? It’s probably chemical in nature. You can’t go back. You can only dream. And buy an Orange Julius.

The Clarkening

There’s only one reason to watch live network television, and her name is Judy Friggin’ Clark. The veteran local news anchor – and possible heavenly angel – has been appearing on local TV sets for decades telling us what’s what. And every time she does, her voice weaves a miles-wide blanket of euphoria, wrapping the whole Chippewa Valley in light and warmth. Yes, sure, we elect a City Council every year … but we know who’s really in charge.

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*It’s all right if this person has never actually visited New York City. Perhaps they once saw a picture of it.