There are some who claim that downtown Eau Claire doesn’t have a parking problem. There are some who say we have plenty of parking, you just may need to walk a little ways. And there are some who tell you our downtown parking garages have ample room for an atomically small cost.

But who cares about them? You and I know the truth: a large parking spot within 10 feet of our downtown destination just isn’t too much to ask. All we need is some creative problem solving. Lucky for you and the rest of the city, “Creative Problem Solving” is my middle name. Check it out …

Alternate Person Parking

Let’s take a cue from the city’s wildly popular “Alternate Side Parking,” which helps our snowplows clear the streets by implementing a super easy to remember system. It’s simple: once the clock strikes midnight, your car mustn’t be parked on the side of the street with address numbers opposite the calendar date’s even/odd modality. If you mess that up, it costs you, like, 30 bucks.

But let’s tweak this blunder-proof street parking schema to ease downtown car congestion. “Alternate Person Parking” means if the date is an even number, only people born in an even year can park downtown, and vice versa. Boom. We just freed up half of our downtown parking stalls.

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a large parking spot within 10 feet of our downtown destination just isn’t too much to ask. All we need is some creative problem solving.

MIKE PAULUS

Local Rewards Program

We all love buying local, thinking local, growing local, and supporting local, right? (You better say “yes.”) Well, here’s a way for the most local among us to really shine and positively rub it in the faces of their Walmart-loving neighbors. First, we create a Scale of Local, which assigns everyone on a score indicating how good of a person local they are. You get 10 points every time you buy vegetables at the farmers market (and 5 more points if you actually eat them). You get 20 points for shopping at a locally owned business. You get 100 points if you host a living room show featuring a local improv group. And you get 100,000 points if you start a farm-to-table restaurant where the furniture is made from locally reclaimed river logs and every employee was born within the city limits.

Everyone one is assigned a score, and only the highest scoring people get a downtown parking spot. Everyone else can stay at home and feel ashamed.

Blade Incentives

The city could develop an innovative system of deep tax cuts for citizens who sell their car and learn to rollerblade. We’re already a “city of rivers.” Let’s also be a “city of bladers.” When’s the last time you saw a rollerblader searching for a parking spot? The answer is an extra firm “never.” So if you sell your car and learn to r-blade, we knock, like, $40,000 off your taxes or whatever.

And the city could give an extra, smaller tax break for each sweet trick you learn. Can you rollerblade on one foot? That’s $100 off your taxes, Buddy. Can you grind a handrail? Well, that’s another $600 off your taxes, Hotshot. Can you do a backflip? $1,000 off, Queen!

The People’s Garage

The city could make an official announcement: You want a parking spot? Fine. But you gotta build it. Then they could buy a prime piece of centrally located downtown property, rip down all the buildings, and leave it bare. Anyone who wants to pitch in to build a DIY parking garage can have a permanent parking spot in it. Easy.

Virtual Downtown Eau Claire

In the downtown-i-verse, parking is only limited by how hard you can imagine things. No parking spots? Shrink down and park under a bush. Going to dinner? Take the car from Back to the Future (from the end of the movie, when it flies) and park it in midair. Become a Transformer and transform into a Lamborghini. Pull up in front of the Acoustic Café, transform back into a robot, and bingo-bango, no parking spot needed.

Your move, City of Eau Claire.