OK, here’s the deal. I recently pulled up a popular AI-powered chatbot that rhymes with “Scat-Heebie-Jeeb,” and for innocent research purposes only, I prompted it to “Please write a humorous, 600-word magazine column about summer vacation in the style of Mike Paulus’s Read End columns in Volume One Magazine.”

Below I have pasted the resulting prose – verbatim – adding my own annotations and critical remarks in ALL CAPS so you know when the human is talking. Enjoy!

Hey there, fellow adventurers, thrill-seekers, and accidental tourists! [I AM NONE OF THESE THINGS] Welcome to another installment of The Read End, where we celebrate the quirkiest tales of summer vacations that make you go “Wait, did that really happen?” [NO ONE WILL THINK THIS REALLY HAPPENED] So grab your sunscreen and prepare to laugh out loud as we dive headfirst into the hilariously unforgettable world of summer vacation misadventures. [NEVER PROMISE LAUGHTER, YOU ROOKIE]

As the sun cracked open the sky like a fresh coconut, [WAIT WHAT] I knew it was time to embark on my epic summer escapade. Destination: the exotic beaches of Cabo San Lucas. [OBVIOUSLY A FAKE LOCATION] Armed with a suitcase full of swimsuits and high hopes, [EXACTLY HOW MANY SWIMSUITS DID I PACK] I was ready to unleash the spirit of adventure – or so I thought.

The excitement of the trip began at the airport, where I discovered that the only available seats were situated next to the world’s chattiest toddler and a parrot who thought it was a stand-up comedian. [HOW DID A DELUSIONAL PARROT AND A TODDLER PAY FOR AIRPLANE TICKETS] Picture this: me, trying to nap amidst a cacophony of squawks and giggles, looking more like a sleep-deprived scarecrow than a vacation-ready beach bum. [I JUST CHECKED AND CABO SAN LUCAS IS A REAL PLACE IN MEXICO]

[IT LOOKS GORGEOUS]

Arriving at the resort, I was greeted by a welcoming committee of seagulls, who promptly stole my room key and took turns dive-bombing the pool. I swear those winged pirates were training for an avian Olympics event. [IF THE SEAGULLS ARE THE WELCOMING COMMITTEE WHEN DID YOU GET A ROOM KEY]

”

HOW DID A DELUSIONAL PARROT AND A TODDLER PAY FOR AIRPLANE TICKETS?

mike paulus

Speaking of locals, let’s talk about the infamous sunscreen fiasco. [OK LET’S] I had the ingenious idea to tackle my ghostly pallor with SPF 1000 (if that even exists). Apparently, I had mistaken a bottle of industrial adhesive for sunscreen [LIKE FOR REAL?] because I was soon attracting sand like a magnet. My beach towel became a makeshift lint roller as I tried to disentangle myself from the beach. [HOW IS ANY OF THIS “SPEAKING OF LOCALS”]

If you think that was the extent of my sunburn-related troubles, hold on to your floppy hats. [DONE] One afternoon, I decided to ride the waves, channeling my inner surfer dude. I mounted the board, looking like a mix of a baby giraffe on ice and a penguin learning to fly. [BABY GIRAFFES ARE HILARIOUS GOOD JOB] A wave approached, and I braced myself for a majestic ride. But instead of riding the wave, I became one with it – face-planting into the water like a wayward torpedo. In a bizarre twist of fate, [OR MAYBE JUST REGULAR FATE] I emerged from the surf looking like a blushing lobster, with the imprint of the surfboard etched on my forehead. [HOW BIG DO YOU THINK MY FOREHEAD IS]

But hold on, the misadventures didn’t end there. [UH OH] As I strolled along the beach one evening, embracing the tranquility of the setting sun, I felt the soft touch of what I assumed was a gentle sea breeze. [SOUNDS NICE] Alas, it was not a benevolent zephyr, [ISN’T THAT THE NAME OF BON IVER’S NEW AMBIENT ROCK CONCEPT ALBUM] but an opportunistic seagull aiming for my ice cream cone. [WHERE DID I GET THIS ICE CREAM] With lightning reflexes, I tried to swat away the winged thief, resulting in a chaotic ice cream battle. Needless to say, the seagull won, and I was left with sticky hands and a slightly bruised ego. [THE REAL MIKE PAULUS WOULD NEVER LET THIS HAPPEN TO HIS MEXICAN ICE CREAM]

Despite the comedy of errors, these misadventures became the highlight of my summer vacation. [THESE ARE LIES] They taught me that sometimes, it’s the mishaps that create the most memorable moments. [HOT TAKE, CHAT BOT] So, dear readers, as you embark on your own summer escapades, embrace the unexpected, laugh at the absurd, and remember that life’s greatest treasures are often found in the quirkiest of experiences. [YOU SOUND LIKE A PASTOR WITH A WEEKLY RADIO SEGMENT CALLED “WIT AND WISDOM WITH PASTOR NATHAN”]

Stay goofy, my friends! [YOU ARE THE WORST]