High Five

5 Totally Fake ‘Best of the Chippewa Valley’ Categories

five categories that should really be in the poll next year

Sawyer Hoff |

EXPANDING THE CATEGORIES. These "Best Of" categories are made-up, but also a little helpful, no?
1. best place to cry when you’re filled with existential dread.

My guess for top votes in this category would be the parking lot of Ramone’s (because who doesn’t love ice cream with their cry?), the little corner next to the stairs in the Local Store, and probably a big tree in Carson Park. Any will do.

2. best inanimate object to vent to. 

This category is easy if you spend your time venting like I do. First is the Ninja Turtle overlooking the intersection of North Barstow and Wisconsin streets. Second place goes to Babe the Blue Ox in Carson Park. Not Paul – he’s always trying to play devil’s advocate. Lastly, the “High Five” dog statue in Phoenix Park. He’s a good boy.

3. best parks for parkour.

Hardcore parkour! This is a great and totally cool-looking form of exercise. First place is Irvine Park because of all the animals you can jump over. Next is Phoenix Park –have you seen those beautiful boulders? Last but not least, Rod & Gun Park because that cute creek is just asking to be cartwheeled over.

4. Best pothole in eau claire. 

With so many to choose from, this is a tough one. When I say “best” I mean “best at denting the front of my car.” I hit a very nasty one that tore my car up in the parking lot of the Advance Auto Parts Store (the irony there isn’t lost on me). Next is anywhere near Oakwood Mall, there are too many to just choose one. In third place is the pothole right outside of Festival on Birch Street. Why is it right outside?

5. best astrological signs in the valley. 

Eau Claire (birthday: March 19) itself is a Pisces, so of course, it would attract more Tauruses – they have a great bond. In the Menomonie area, the best star sign to be is Gemini. Why? Because UW-Stout is the home of the Blue Devils, and Geminis are best described that way. Lastly, for Chippewa Falls, the winner is Scorpio. Chippewa just reeks of Scorpio energy – and no, I won’t elaborate.