Look, a lot of people are out there trying to tell you a whole calendar year has passed. They’ll say things like “it’s January” and “Christmas is over” and “2020 was a whole year ago” and “the current year is 2022.”

Don’t listen to those people. They’re big dopey dummies and they can’t possibly be right. They took the blue pill. Or is it the red pill? Why are there only two pills?

It doesn’t matter. They’re nitwits. Simpletons. And they’re wrong. I’ll prove it.

Exhibit A

Everyone I know says they can’t believe a whole year has passed. This literally means (if you don’t think about it too hard) they believe a year has not passed. And I know a lot of people. Like, probably almost 100 people. And if multitudes of people believe something, it’s gotta be true, right? 

Use your brain, Dingdong.

Exhibit 2

The media is on it. Why? Because of course they are. They’re controlled by a cartel of powerful politicians, East Coast college professors, and Hollywood bitcoin billionaires. And they want us to think we’re further into the future than we really are. Why? Isn’t it obvious? So they can use the rest of last year (aka the current year) to generate anti-present propaganda for Big Calendar. 

Turn off the news and I guarantee your problems will disappear.

”

Don’t listen to those people. They’re big dopey dummies and they can’t possibly be right. They took the blue pill. Or is it the red pill? Why are there only two pills?

MIKE PAULUS

Next Exhibit

What is time? Who invented it? I’m not saying it was ancient clockmakers looking to get rich off the hapless masses, but can you prove it wasn’t? Time is incentivized. We are rewarded for doing things on time. You get stuff for showing up places like a movie theater and your job at the “proper” time. Why would they offer you an incentive – like a new blockbuster movie or a paycheck – unless they’re getting something out of it?

Follow the money, Numbnuts.

Exhibit F

Do we have the same amount of time as people in other cities? Have you ever even asked that question? My cousin’s friend lives over in Cadott and she’s got lots of time. Too much time. She even has something called “free time.” This is a real person who is alive and she told me this herself. How does this even add up?

Do your own research.

Another Exhibit

Does any of this feel right? Didn’t think so. You gotta follow your gut and do what’s natural. I may be a simple Wisconsinite, but it sure doesn’t feel like it’s been 365 days since they last time we got a new year. It feels like three, maybe four months. Do you guys remember summer? Have we even had that yet? And get this: I’ve heard some people claim the year 2000 was over 20 years ago. And I know that ain’t right. 

Do the math. Google’s your friend.

Final Exhibit Alpha

If a whole year has passed, why are we still talking about the same old crap no one wants to talk about? If 2021 really actually happened for real, why does it still feel like 2020? Why is the pandemic still pandemic-ing? Why is the hospital system still breaking down? Why do people still think the last election was rigged? Why are people still yelling at school board members? Why do people say “racism isn’t a big deal anymore” with a straight face?

Surely a year would have been long enough to fix such things, or at the very least, it’s been long enough for people to calm down, agree we need to work on some solutions, and move forward. Yes, there was a lot of progress “last year,” but people are out there every day acting like it didn’t even happen. 

Two and two don’t make five, people. That’s all I’m saying.