The votes are in, the polls have been slammed shut, and the tallies have been tilly-tallied. So it is with great pleasure and excitement that I present to you the results of my 2016 Best of the Mike Paulus Poll, wherein I polled only myself. Strenuously. There may be a few surprise winners on this year’s list, so hold on to your pants, and remember – as with previous years, this year’s voting was 100 percent subjective and 200 percent self-indulgent. Let’s dig in!

Proudest Moment of Non-parenting

Winner: Not teaching my son to ride a bike

Two summers ago, we took the training wheels off my son’s bike – the bike on which he’d spent hours flying back and forth down our sidewalk. But as soon as the wheels were off, he lost interest. Fast forward to this past summer. On a visit to my parent’s house we learned my dad had found some decent, free bikes for the kids. Outwardly, my son didn’t seem to care. Inwardly, his gears must have been spinning, because at one point he slipped outside to play by himself. Later, he came inside smiling. He walked up to me and quietly told me, “I can ride that bike.”

And sure enough, he could ride that bike. I guess some things you just need to do on your own, without your dad chugging along beside you, holding onto your bike seat, trying not to trip on your wheels as he huffs, “Keep pedaling.”

Least Effective Holler

Winner: “They’re waiting for me!”

Recently, at a crosswalk in downtown Eau Claire, I was crossing the road (via walking). A noble motorist had slowed to a stop in the intersection, allowing me to pass. At the same time, a minivan pulled up to the intersection, wishing to turn, but the first car was blocking its path. The woman piloting the minivan hooooonked her horn, looking pretty damn perturbed. I know how she looked because she was stopped about 10 feet from me, completely unaware that she was now blocking my path. She had no idea why this car was just parked there in the intersection. Her audaciousness. Her cluelessness. It was just too much.

So I did something I only do on the very rarest of occasions. I yelled at a lady in a minivan. I yelled, “They’re waiting for me!”

It had no effect. She still didn’t know I was standing there. By now, the minivan had inched far enough forward in the crosswalk to open up a narrow path. And since I enjoy neither a) loitering in busy intersections nor b) conflict, I quickly crossed the street and began putting the incident behind me.

Worst Fly

Winner: Fruit

I don’t care what our grade school science teachers told us, fruit flies are intelligent beings and their little minds are bent upon flying into your mouth. It seems like a few times a year the local fruit fly population enjoys a massive surge, creating sizable swarms of itty bitty specks of airborne horror organized in a campaign to ruin your day. At work, one thoughtless moron leaves a banana peel in their garbage can overnight and bang. Armageddon. At home, an apple core accidentally falls behind the garbage can and zip-zowie. Fruit fly apocalypse.

Besides flying into your head’s holes, they also want your food – and not just fruit. They want it all. They want to land upon it, touch it with their many tiny legs, and do unholy things to it.

Best TV Show

Winner: Stranger Things

This category isn’t local, but it is deeply personal. I mean ... come on. This is the best show. Ever. If you haven’t watched it, immediately and aggressively fling this magazine into the nearest river and speed walk to the nearest thing capable of streaming Netflix at your face.

Note: If you don’t like Stranger Things, please email your home address to mike@volumeone.org so I can come to your house and fist-fight you into admitting the show’s otherworldly greatness.