The Rear End

The Best of Me

this year’s Best of the Mike Paulus Poll was a doozy!

Mike Paulus |

The votes are in, the polls are closed, and the tallies have been ... tallied. So it’s with great pleasure and excitement that I present to you the results of my 2014 Best of the Mike Paulus Poll wherein I polled only myself. Strenuously. There might be a few surprise winners on this year’s list, so hold on to your fabulous hats, and remember – as with previous years, this year’s voting was 100 percent subjective and 200 percent self indulgent. Let’s get to it!

Best Use of Jumper Cables

Winner: That time a nice guy saved my butt in the Festival Foods parking lot

On a recent Friday evening, my car battery up and died in the Festival Foods parking lot. I’d grabbed a few groceries while the family waited in the car, and upon returning, it just wouldn’t start. I popped the hood and stared at the engine in silent worry as I tried to think of someone to call. That’s when I heard a voice say, “Won’t start?” I turned to see a man walking around the front of his huge Ford 250 pickup truck. We chatted a bit while he found some jumper cables and hooked them up. A few minutes later, my battery was electrified back to life, saving me a ton of time – and my family a ton of stress not having to wait around for help. The super nice man left before I could bother to ask his name, but his actions earned him first place in this category.

Worst Shoulder Dislocation

Winner: The one on my right side

With four different contenders in this category hailing from my left shoulder, it was a huge surprise when a recent dislocation from the opposite side of my body rocketed into first place. It came out of nowhere (if you define “nowhere” as “stepping into a hole and falling over”). The sheer surprise and dunder-headedness of this dislocation truly sets it apart. The bright side is that, during my physical therapy, I actually (seriously) lifted weights for the first time in over 20 years.

Favorite Cheap Beer

Winner: Hamm’s Premium

When I feel the need to reach for a ... shall we say less-than-expensive beer, I reach for a Hamm’s. Of the many cheap beers I’ve sampled throughout my life, I find Hamm’s to have a bit more flavor than the rest. Is the flavor good? Well ... it tries. And I applaud the effort.

Best Meal I Never Got to Eat

Winner: New Year’s Eve leftovers, January 2003

Sweeping this category for over a decade, the New Year’s Eve Leftovers Debacle of 2003 will probably haunt me for decades. Imagine if you will a refrigerator stuffed with delicious appetizer-style leftovers ...

Sweeping this category for over a decade, the New Year’s Eve Leftovers Debacle of 2003 will probably haunt me for decades. Imagine if you will a refrigerator stuffed with delicious appetizer-style leftovers from last night’s fantastic New Year’s Eve party. You painstakingly assemble and lovingly reheat a plateful of the most delectable morsels. Seconds after you sit down upon the couch to relax and consume these astonishing vittles, your stupid cat comes tearing into the room at full cat-speed, jumps onto the couch and rips across your plate, not stepping into your food – oh, no – but upon the outer edge of your plate, sending it flying end over end in a slow-motion hurricane of teriyaki chicken wings, crab cakes, and sausage-filled mushroom caps, spiraling through living room, splattering the carpet, the TV, and yourself with assorted sauces and broken dreams. Did I mention this happened on my birthday? Because it happened on my birthday.

Best Thing My Daughter Said

Winner: It’s a bunch of ties!

Everyone’s kids say all kinds of funny stuff all the time (about 10 percent of it funny to people other than immediate family members). My kids are certainly no exception, so it’s impossible to pick the “best” thing they’ve said. With that in mind, here are some random exclamations from my now-eight-year-old daughter: “No, Daddy! You must never speak of the dead!” ... “You can’t trust someone with close-set eyes or a beard.” ... “Now I’m smelling Uranus! Mmm. It smells heavenly!” And one time, I told her that something she was talking about would break the laws of physics, to which her immediate response was, “Physics don’t matter, Daddy. Awesome does.”

Best Halloween Costume

Winner: Ray the Menards Guy

One year I was Ray the Menards Guy. It was awesome. And that’s what matters.

Most Talked-About Dumb Thing
of Which I Can’t Let Go

Winner: That full keg of beer from our wedding

I married my wife 10 years ago this month, and a few times a year I find some public way of recounting the utter devastation I felt when we paid for a whole barrel of delicious beer for our wedding reception that was tapped but barely touched. As we left for our honeymoon the following day, we obviously couldn’t drink the cold, frothy behemoth all by ourselves, and we couldn’t even find any (21+) college kids to which we could bestow it. And so we had to send it back, never sampling its frosty greatness. And thus my wife is doomed to hear me whining about it forever and ever.