What’s up, Claus?

Hey man! Hope things are good up North. Listen, I’ve had my eye on Eau Claire for awhile and I’d love to open up one of my popular grocery stores. I think the area is ripe for a little Trader Joe’s goodness and the people there WILL LOVE IT. I want in. But every time I try to buy a chunk of land, some kind of mysterious problem pops up and the deal falls through. Someone’s trying to stop me. It’s a conspiracy. And it sucks. Can you get me in?

– Trader Joe

Tray-Jodes!

First up, THANK YOU for selling those dark chocolate sea-salt carmel peanut butter pretzel gelato-stuffed cannoli. Gotta be honest with you, Joe – you nailed that one. Still loving the alfredo sauce, too.

OK, you and I go way back, so I’ll give it to you straight. Nope. Can’t get you in. I “mysteriously” got that Whole Foods in Ohio to relocate to the other side of town as opposed to right across the street, and now I’m done messing with the fortunes of local grocery stores. I’m out, Joe, you got that?

Happy Holidays.

–Santa

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Dear Santa,

Hi. I like you a lot and I hope you are having fun all of the time. Can we please have more Spring time in Eau Claire? Last winter ended in May and I had to wear snow pants all the time and now it’s time for winter again already. I don’t like my snow pants and I don’t want to do it anymore. That’s all I want. But I would also like Legos.

– Carrie Tanner, age 10

Dear Carrie,

Wow, weather control, huh? That’s “all” you want? You want me to drastically alter the most powerful natural force on the entire planet? So you don’t need to wear an extra layer of clothing? Wow, Carrie, those snow pants must be pretty horrible. Here’s an idea – how about I get you some snow pants you actually like? You ever think about that, Carrie? ‘Cause I got elves that can make some awesome snow pants. You know what I don’t have, Carrie? Elves that can control the freaking weather. You keep your eyes open for one of those weather controlling elves and let me know what you find.

Legos I can handle.

– Santa

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Dear Santa,

Eau Claire needs a new Rocket Slide! We used to have two and now we have none. Today’s kids need to know the glory and majesty that was the Rocket Slide! Do it for the kids, Santa! Do it! Merry Christmas!

– Troy Hamilton, age 38

Troy,

Listen, buddy. You don’t want a Rocket Slide. You want your childhood back. You feel me? And Santa Claus doesn’t deliver time machines. How about you cherish those memories, talk about them with friends, and I’ll just get you a new golf club bag?

OK? OK.

– Santa

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Mr. Claus,

As a man who loves a good pastry, we’re sure you can see the value in a great local donut shop. We’ve got a few good (local!) options here in town, but we need more. Classic donuts are what we’re after. We don’t need bacon or breakfast serial sprinkled on top, and we don’t need a chocolate-injected croissant. Those things are fine and good, but we just want an old fashioned donut.

– Donut Lovers of Eau Claire

Donut Lovers,

Are you calling me fat? I kind of think you’re calling me fat. Let’s not do that, OK? Moving on, I can’t get you a local bakery. More specifically, I can’t get you a local baker. The elves don’t make people (anymore). That said, I’m getting you a donut cookbook and some pamphlets on starting a small business. See where I’m going here?

– Santa