The Rear End

Bear Bashing & Pumpkin Smashing

this autumn season, allow me to suggest a few additions and subtractions to your kid lit reading list

Mike Paulus, illustrated by Kaitlyn Bryan |

If I have to read another Berenstain Bears book I’m going to kick over the coffee table and send it flying through the family room windows. Whoever decided it was a good idea to write over 300 Berenstain Bears books should be forced to drink a gallon of the salty tears shed by parents around the globe as they endure page after page of bloated paragraphs detailing the latest snore-venture of the Berenstain family.

These “beloved” children’ books starring a charming yet super creepy-looking family of talking bears drone on and on and on and just when you think they’re done, there’s another four flippin’ pages to grit your teeth and soldier through. For those of you harboring fond memories of reading Berenstain Bears as a child, I ask you this – when’s the last time you actually read one? Try it. I dare you. It’ll be a different experience now that you’re older and your brain is capable of telling the difference between a charming morality tale and 30-plus pages of mind-numbing textual fuzz.

A good story is not to be found within the bizarre Berenstain Bears universe, where a family of upright walkin’ brown bears own a modern minivan while the father dresses like a Depression-era cotton farmer.I don’t think kid’s books need to be dumbed down, and I’m not against reading long passages to my children, sans pictures. I mean, a good story is a good story. Unfortunately, a good story is not to be found within the bizarre Berenstain Bears universe, where a family of upright walkin’ brown bears own a modern minivan while the father dresses like a Depression-era cotton farmer.

For my money, the Little Critter books offer superior storytelling with far less text. That furry little whateverthehellhetis Little Critter knew how to get to the damn point. We’re talking three sentences maximum per page. Plant the idea. State the emotional reaction. Done! I wanted to paint the house but dad wouldn’t let me. I was so mad. Boom! Let’s not over complicate the situation, folks. Compared to Little Critter, a Berenstain Bears story reads like the manual to an industrial dishwasher.

That said, my kids seem to enjoy them.

But hey, lets not tear down things we hate, such as the horrible Berenstain Bears franchise which has demon-spawned two television series, a myriad of museum exhibits, and an off-Broadway musical. Instead, let’s build up something we love.

Sound good? OK.

The last Berenstain Bear book I read was about Halloween, which almost made it tolerable (but didn’t). Halloween-themed kids books are just about my favorite thing on the planet, so I’d like to put my experience with The Berenstain Bears Learn Spooky Safety Tips or Some Crap Like That behind me.

Back in the October days of my youth, visits to my grade school’s library meant finding a secluded corner to hunker down with a stack of Halloween picture books and diving into illustrations of amazing autumn days and murky, monster-filled nights. I can’t really remember book titles, just page after page of spooktacular images.

Except one. I do remember one book: The Pumpkin Smasher.

Smasher was written and illustrated by mixed media printmaker and handmade paper artist Anita Benarde. I don’t know anything about Anita, but I’m confident history will recognize her as just so awesome, guys.

People, I count circling The Pumpkin Smasher on my Scholastic book order form as one of the very best decisions of my entire life. This book isn’t just my favorite Halloween book, it’s one of my favorite books, period.

The artwork? Fabulous. Smasher was written and illustrated by mixed media printmaker and handmade paper artist Anita Benarde. I don’t know anything about Anita, but I’m confident history will recognize her as just so awesome, guys. The entire book is colored in only black and orange, with gorgeous illustrations of a small town called Cranberry.

In the story, every year just before Halloween, someone (or something) appears in the dead of night to smash every pumpkin in Cranberry. The town almost cancels Halloween until a pair of troublemaking brothers takes matters into their own hands.

As an adult, you’ll probably get a strong ’60/‘70s vibe from the book, which creates a much richer tone, as if the story, decades later, may have become a kind of urban legend.

Looking at the illustrations, I quickly realize how this book pretty much defined autumn and Halloween for me – it hardwired certain images into my head which became the gold standard for how this time of year is supposed to look. A creaky old wooden wagon stuffed with pumpkins and hay. Kids in warm coats climbing scraggly trees to hang up ghosts. A giant orange moon looming over a black town square. A crazy old witch with broom-bristle hair.

Years ago, I tried to find my old copy of the book within the dusty boxes of stuff my parents keep in their basement. But it was gone. It was also out of print. You could find used copies online, but they were pretty pricey. I wasn’t sure I’d ever see The Pumpkin Smasher again.

Until now. The book was reissued just this past summer, making it way more affordable. So I beg you – go find a copy and make your autumn season that much awesomer. I promise there won’t be one talking bear to be found anywhere.