2012 Year in Review: Our 2013 Predictions

V1 Staff

Well, lookie here. The future.
Well, lookie here. The future.

Enough looking back – time to look forward. Using a combination of insider info, educated guessing, Brazilian voodoo, and a number of extremely expensive computer simulations, we’ve constructed what we believe to be the most likely (and noteworthy) local occurrences of 2013. See what you think. In one year’s time, if none of these things come to pass, you have our sincerest apologies and shoulder shrugs.

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The delicious food truck trend finally motors into town, but lasts only days after the mobile restaurateurs complain about not having anywhere to park in downtown Eau Claire.

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Armed with nothing more than a 13” Macbook Pro and a broken heart, local electronic musician Chad Knutsen holes up in his tiny apartment over Mogies on Water Street for six months and records a Grammy-nominated dubstep album Pitchfork blesses with an 8.9. Curiously, local market radio stations snub Knutsen’s acclaimed debut and instead continue their focus on music that’s significantly more popular throughout most of the country.

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A mid-summer scandal rocks Eau Claire’s city hall when city manager Russ Van Gompel is spotted playing ladder golf at a family picnic in Demmler Park – right in the heart of the “Kubb Capital of North America.” When asked why he’s not playing kubb, Van Gompel replies, “Playing what now?”

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Local guerrilla river art becomes so popular FATFAR is canceled due to excessive amounts of tube-poppin’ statues littering the river. However, the Drench River Art Festival sees a moderately successful first year.

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Someone actually opens that one restaurant everyone says we need.

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The local real estate market roars back with its best year in decades as the proliferation of tattoo parlors and hair salons reaches a fever pitch, often resulting in fistfights over remaining strip mall space, leaving a disgusting trail of torn-out tribal piercings and spray tan residue in its wake.

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Upon breaking ground for the Confluence Project’s arts center complex, builders discover a rock solid foundation for the city’s towering cultural growth, as well as an old 7-Up bottle from, like, the ‘60s or something.

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The east side of Keystone Crossing where it intersects with Commonwealth Avenue is officially named Steak Town.

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Not to be outdone by Chippewa Falls, Eau Claire, and Menomonie, with its Leinenkugel’s, Lazy Monk, and Lucette breweries, Altoona unleashes its own beer called Overshadowed Ale.

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Due in part to its geographical location, the Chippewa Valley miraculously remains untouched by the Great Horseradish Blight of 2013. Silver Spring Foods cashes in big time, becoming one of the nation’s only sources for tangy condiments with a kick. Unfortunately, skyrocketing prices mean a sauced up hot beef at Ray’s Place now costs $37.50.

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Under public pressure to more fully integrate itself with the nearby Chippewa River, Eau Claire’s newly opened Justice Center reveals plans for a division of the ECPD involving jet ski-related crime prevention.

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At 10:34am CST on Sunday, April 28, the RealCare Baby advanced infant simulators manufactured by Eau Claire’s Realityworks become self-aware, igniting the most adorable robot apocalypse you can possibly imagine. Fortunately, if the teeny androids are fed, burped, rocked, and diapered in a timely manner, they are largely docile.

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