Primitive.

Before we go any further through space and time, I’d just like to take a moment and remind everyone of an important fact: it snows in March. Do not hang up your snow shovels. Do not store your boots. Do not summer-ize your snowblowers. And do not get lulled into a “Spring is almost here” state of bliss. Do not dust off your picnic blankets – it will only end in bitter disappointment and copious whining.

Few things are able to produce more hypocritical bellyaching around here than a good snowstorm, especially when people start talking about city snow removal. We complain about our street not getting cleared fast enough, and then we complain when the plow goes by and ... clears our street. Usually, it comes down to the dreaded snowbank at the end of the driveway.

There isn’t a whole lot of wiggle room in the field of street-plowing strategy. That said, I think the city should sell all of its snow plow attachments and buy (or build) dump truck-mounted flamethrowers.

People who get pissed by this snowbank need to ratchet it down a notch or 10. I know complaining about anything weather-related is a time-honored Wisconsin pastime outlined somewhere in the state’s constitution, but jeez you cheeseheads, we live in a place where snow falls from the sky each and every year, and there isn’t much we can do about that until I invent my weather controlling machine and start charging you for sunshine and rainbows.

I understand how hard it is to remove the blockade of snow at the end of your driveway. I’ve written many hilarious complaints about this very subject in these very pages. On a non-hilarious note, if you are physically unable to clear all that snow on your own, and your car is trapped, it can seriously hobble your ability to do important activities like “getting to work” or “getting to the hospital” or “getting to Kwik Trip to buy a cheddar-filled bratwurst and eating it in the parking lot while listening to old mix CDs.”

However, I’m not sure how much you can expect a snowplow to do. There isn’t a whole lot of wiggle room in the field of street-plowing strategy, and the physics involved are kind of stubborn. That said, I think the city should sell all of its snowplow attachments and buy (or build) dump truck-mounted flamethrowers. Then we can simply vaporize our unwanted snow, allowing it to gently float away on a soft winter breeze only to refreeze into sleet and fall on some other city, hopefully in Minnesota.

Hear me out: No more snowbanks. No more trapped cars. No more salt. I’m not crazy, here. On January 22,1948, the mayor of Boston (a large and perfectly legitimate US city) wrote a letter to the president of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (a large and perfectly legitimate technical college), asking him to task MIT scientists with building anti-snow flamethrowers. And I quote Bostonian mayor of the past James Curley:

“I am very desirous that the Institute of Technology have a competent group of engineers make an immediate study as to the ways and means of removing the huge accumulation [of snow] not only in Boston, but throughout the entire state, whether it by the use of flame throwers or chemicals or otherwise ...”

Source: Slice of MIT

I know this letter is real and was actually sent because I saw a picture of it on the internet (check it out right here). The fact that the City of Eau Claire is still NOT blasting snow with government-issue flamethrowers – 60 years after the letter was typed by a mayoral aid – can only mean one thing.

They are still working on it.

Though it saddens me to see so much snow just sitting there, unvaporized, I am not discouraged. Snow-busting technology is a crucial area of research, and I can only assume the smarties at MIT are busy perfecting it. I applaud their silent diligence in the matter. And I hope they are also developing snow-destroying lasers for both home and municipal use.

Now, short of this kick-ass, flame-based technology becoming a reality, you people need to stop complaining and just deal with the damn snow. If you see snow-locked neighbors in need of shoveling assistance, by all means, assist. If we stand together, with or without flamethrowers, surely we can overcome the White Menace. Surely, we can prevail.