Dear reader – I was all set to write a “year in review” style column, looking back over the many interesting tidbits of 2010 when a rogue lighting strike from a rogue winter storm caused a massive power surge and and my laptop bust into eerie greenish flames. After extinguishing the ghostly fire, I noticed a document on my computer’s desktop titled “2011: A Brief Year in Review.” I was astonished by its contents. Here is word for word what I found ...

As is the case with many decade-openers, 2011 was packed with tons of amazing and quirky happenings in the Chippewa Valley. All I need to say is “Judy Clark and the jetpack demonstration,” am I right? Anyway, here are some of the other highlights!

SUPER MUSIC

Taking the national music scene by surprise, midwestern supergroup with local ties GAYNGS announced the formation of the worlds’s first super-supergroup. The band – which includes members of Bon Iver, Megafaun, Solid Gold, and many more – joined sonic forces with 80s soft rock supergroup Toto to form IronicRockyaTron. Clocking in at over 75 members, the ensemble not only chartered new territories in music history, it funded the development of new stage support technology, including the world’s first MegaTruss^TM system allowing the simultaneous set up of 18 drum sets and 30 keyboard arrays. The super-supergroup also introduced major advancements in the field of auto-auto tuning.

A NOTE ON GOATS

A barnyard trend that swept the nation in 2011 swept right into the Chippewa Valley last November as both Eau Claire and Menomonie city councils approved the keeping of urban goats. The decision proved quite a surprise considering the area’s past attitudes concerning the keeping of traditionally barn-based animals in residential settings. When asked about the shift in his opinion, a former opposer of urban livestock said, “I finally realized we’re only talking about (on average) two, maybe three goats in the entire city, so ... who gives a crap? Then I just went back to watching reruns of House.”

ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN HASTINGS WAY

You’re probably sick of hearing about it by now, but it’s worth mentioning the whole Hastings Way controversy. Construction crews were all set to tear up Hastings and make way for an all new, um, way when a group of concerned citizens lobbied the city council to stop the project, saying it flew in the face of an obscure comprehensive plan produced in the 1950s. Construction started, stalled, and restarted a number of times. Some people even argued to have Hastings Way moved to a location outside the city limits. Finally, weary of the back and forth, most of Eau Claire decided to stop caring. The former street is now an organic soybean field.

2 SOUTH BARSTOW VANISHES

Weeks after local developer John Mogensen finally purchased downtown Eau Claire’s 2 South Barstow property (aka, the Mural Building; aka, the old porn shop), it disappeared. The building seems to have dissipated in the dark of night, leaving the city scratching its giant head. Some say the building was neglected for so long it simply ceased to exist. Some say it had grown profoundly sad in its old age, and after the incessant prodding by a rascally young boy, the building flew to South America, suspended by hundreds of helium balloons. Some say it fell into the river. Mogensen said he’s just glad he only paid, like, five dollars for it.

EMPLOYMENT EXPLOSION

Happy news came from our own National Presto Industries, Inc. in 2011, as the kitchen appliance/disposable diaper/military munitions manufacturer announced a new product line – the pizzaBOOM^TM oven series – necessitating the construction of a whole new factory and the creation of 150 local jobs. Presto’s pizzaBOOM^TM oven spent over two years in research and development, funded by a $90 million contract with the Department of the Army. This exciting new frozen pizza reheater is capable of “flavor exploding” a pizza pie in 5-10 seconds using a combination of convection heat and low-velocity 40mm grenade technology. Presto’s spokesmen say pizzaBOOM^TM ovens may one day be available for civilian use.

WISCONSIN GOING AMISH?

An emerging trend in 2011 seems to have stemmed from a year earlier when Wisconsin rejected $810 million of federal stimulus money to assist in building a high speed rail line in the southern part of the state, effectively dooming the prospects of a passenger rail connecting to the Chippewa Valley in our grandchildren’s foreseeable future. Later, in early 2011, the state again said “no thanks” to federal stimulus cash when we rejected $1.2 billion to develop an infrastructure for electric vehicles. Then, only months later, Wisconsin turned down, $900 gabillion jillion to use on “anything sustainable” and instead asked if we could please use the money to maybe repair roads and stimulate the state’s horse and buggy industry for when the oil is all gone. The request was politely declined.

Well, it was an interesting 2011 – here’s to a great 2012!