Boo!

Is winter attacking you from all sides? Does it feel like a giant, evil Frosty the Snowman is cluttering your path with wintery obstacles? Do you feel anxiety, fear, and depression every time it snows?

Sometimes, I feel this way, too. And that’s why I’ve drawn up plans for an amazing new wintertime product to be manufactured right here in Wisconsin: the SnoTool XXL.

It’s like a Swiss Army Knife, only it’s bigger, better, made exclusively for winter, and the Swiss Army is not cool enough to use it. It’s compact, it weighs 37 pounds, and it comes with its own genuine leather sheath/backpack. I’ve designed it to handle all sorts of chilling situations. For example ...

Have you ever climbed into your car only to realize that Jack Frost has encased your windshield in ice because he’s a total jerk? Fear not, for the SnoTool XXL has planned ahead for Jack’s icy ambush. Boom! Un-retract the handy and retractable ice scraper attachment and get to work. In practically no time, you’ll have cleared a hole large enough to see most of the road.

Sorry, Jack Frost. You just got SnoTooled.

And what if you suddenly find your sidewalk covered in snow? Bam! Flip out and unfold the intricately folded snow shovel. Amazingly, this snow-scooting beauty is 75% the size of a standard shovel and 5% as sturdy. You’ll probably have that sidewalk cleared in no time, effectively avoiding the rage of surly winter pedestrians.

Whoops! All of a sudden, you’ve found yourself stuck in the middle of an epic snowball fight. What do you do? Un-sheath your SnoTool XXL, that’s what. Quickly flip out the spherical snowball maker and start packing snow. Soon, you have enough ammunition to mow down every last one of those snot-nosed neighbor kids. And you do.

Now imagine this: You are walking down a snowy path in the woods and you happen upon a frozen pond. Look there! All of your best friends are having an impromptu ice skating party. You are sad and disappointed because you have no skates. Or don’t you? Boing! A pair of high-quality ice skates come shooting out of the SnoTool XXL. You dash down to the pond where your skating moves are the talk of the party.

Speaking of ice skating, pretend you’re the star center of your school’s hockey team at the division championship. Oh no! The ice has become to rough to play on and the Zamboni is in the shop. Do you call off the big game? Not if you have the SnoTool XXL, for it’s also a voice-activated micro-Zamboni. Simply fire it up and command it when to turn. Its eight-inch-wide ice smoothing apparatus will resurface a regulation hockey rink in just over two hours. Game on!

Wait, do you hear that? Is that an arctic storm front moving down across Canada from the North Pole? You have virtually no way of knowing without the SnoTool XXL, because what you haven’t realized is this – it’s also a weather radio capable of receiving the only cold weather-reporting radio station you’ll ever need: SnoTool FM. With storm analysis centers stationed on both sides of the planet, SnoTool FM broadcasts a stream of never-ending life-saving winter storm data directly to your SnoTool XXL. How will you survive without it?

This is but a smattering of scenarios you’ll be over-equipped to handle with the SnoTool XXL. I could go on, but I choose not to. Just remember, if it feels like winter is beating you down, help is on the way. As soon as I design, build, market, and mass-produce the SnoTool XXL, wintertime will become the most fun time of the year.