Taking Pet Care to the Extreme
| REASONABLE & EXPECTED | OBSESSIVE & EXCESSIVE |
| Spay or neutering | Getting your dog equipped with Neuticles, or testicular implants ($919) for their fragile self-esteem |
| Treating your cat’s broken leg | Guarding all nine lives with a comprehensive insurance package |
| Finding a secondary caretaker for the kitty in your ripe old age | Establishing a trust fund (of which the average amount is $25,000) |
| Playing tug of war/roughhousing with your dog | Taking them to dog yoga classes where you stretch and manipulate their limbs |
| Keeping Fido smelling nice – with soap | Dousing them in “Sexy Beast,” a unisex blend of bergamot and vanilla infused musk combined with natural patchouli, mandarin, and nutmeg oils |
| Rubbin’ their belly | Hiring a pet masseuse ($80/hr) |
| Clippin’ their nails | Paying someone to give them fake ones |
| Overlooking your dog’s visible signs of aging, if not your own | Subjecting them to cosmetic surgeries such as eye lifts and nose jobs |
| Following your elusive cat to its mysterious hiding places | Strapping a “cat cam” to its collar and watching the footage |
| Enlisting a real-live neighbor to feed and check up on your dog | Releasing food remotely, using a cell phone and automated feeder |
| Learning the signs. Hissing is bad. Purring is good | Investing in a Meowlingual or Bowlingual translator, which pinpoints an emotional state as well as an accompanying phrase |
| Thinking twice before leaving your dog in the car | The Hotdog digital thermometer sets off an alarm and lowers car windows when the temp reaches the suffering point |
| Give a dog a bone | How about a bubble gun that dispenses 4,000 meat-scented bubbles a minute? |
| Outfitting your pup with an informative leather dog collar | Cartier diamond-studded collar ($5,000) |
