Police Reports | November 26, 2009

Mark Koenig |

1.  Just like big cities, many Chippewa Valley communities offer cab services to aid in your transportation needs. Also just like big cities, our cabs make poor getaway cars from burglary scenes.
2.  Instead of showing a girl you are interested in her the old-fashioned way (with flowers, notes, conversation, and junk), try the new hip method – light her hair on fire in the school library.
3.  If you make a habit of driving while intoxicated with your 10-year-old son, frequently buy him Nintendo Wii games and accessories. Then he will not be so quick to lock you out of the car when you are trying to flee from police.
4.  Before leaving the house with a mullet, stone-washed jeans, a black T-shirt with “Security” printed on it, and the intent to brandish a knife, be prepared to answer the following question: “Are you serious?”
Armed robbery is like congratulating someone on their pregnancy when they aren’t pregnant – saying “It was just a joke” will not liberate you from any consequences.
Wearing ski masks, dark clothing, and scurrying around a neighborhood like the end of a Benny Hill episode might draw attention to yourself and may implicate you if the robbery/assault you just committed was in that same neighborhood.