READING: The New Vampire’s Handbook

author discusses a book you can really sink your teeth into

Nicole Humphrey |

Vampire fanatic, teen strain.

    Living the undead life can be complicated and dangerous, especially when you’re a fledgling creature of the night just trying to survive eternity. Too long immortals have relied on scattered and contradictory information from Bram Stoker, Anne Rice, Stephenie Meyer, and other “experts” of vampire lore to make it through the bloody nights. Well, shift your hypnotic gaze to The New Vampire’s Handbook. Sixteenth century Hungarian Prince of Darkness Miles Proctor narrates this fang-tastic, reliable guide, drawing upon 500 years of vampiric experience and answering the burning questions beyond bloodsucking: Will sunlight make me sparkle or spontaneously combust? Can I control my obsessive need to count? How do I embrace my vampirosexuality? Authors/human slaves Chris Pauls (of Middleton), Joe Garden, Janet Ginsburg, Anita Serwacki, and Scott Sherman discuss health and welfare, feeding, vampire-human relations, society, and culture thoroughly, practically, and hysterically. In light of the Twilight craze and increasingly vamp-obsessed pop culture, the slaves give precautionary advice for avoiding the four strains of creepy vampire fanatic: tween, goth-punk, fanboy, and mom-of-tween. With advice for facing village mobs, werewolves, slayers, and filling those tedious daylight hours (scrap booking your most memorable maimings), reading this book is as necessary as high-vitality blood. All fine, fang-ed friends (and fanatics) of all walks of life and death are invited, so cross that bookstore threshold worry-free and extend a cold hand to the writers who might have saved your life tonight.

    The New Vampire’s Handbook (discussion and signing) • Oct. 24 • Borders, 4030 Commonwealth Ave., Eau Claire • 7 pm • 832-2582 •