Why do squirrels gnaw on my plastic patio furniture? They even chewed holes in my plastic hose reels. Why do they do this and is there a way to stop it (other than buying new stuff)?

Thanks for asking. Man, do squirrels ever love plastic! Garbage cans, irrigation lines, flower pots. I don’t think it’s a particular jones: they also like nuts (famously), mushrooms, clapboard siding, tree bark, insects, garbage, eggs, and, some say, nestling birds.

Although I have not eaten resin chairs, I doubt their nutritional value, which I would tell any squirrel who asked. However they offer the advantage of being common – in fact the most popular chair in world history, “beyond millions” in the words of one manufacturer. Resin furniture is made from polypropylene, as is almost everything else. Medical sutures, the lids for Tic Tac boxes, the colored stickers on Rubik’s cubes. Almost as common as resin chairs are the methods for keeping squirrels from eating them.

    Some folks suggest “taste repellents.” The most effective are those containing Thiram, also a fungicide. Thiram has been used to treat human scabies, as a sunscreen, as a bactericide (applied directly to the skin and inside soap), and as a kind of antabuse for alcoholics. Still, if you inhale it, Thiram can cause headaches, dizziness, fatigue, nausea, and diarrhea. Chronic exposure can cause confusion, loss of sex drive, incoordination, slurred speech, and weakness. I myself am not a fan of sitting on a chemical causing the loss of my sex drive.

Then there are the “smell repellents.” If only for the quaint Vermont Country Store factor, I’d suggest Old Doc’s Squirrel Chaser, basically pet dander and mothballs in a little drawstring bag. Tie it on a nearby tree. Seven, eight bucks – or you could make it yourself with access to enough mothballs and pet dander. Probably goes without saying, but don’t use it if you’re allergic to pet dander.

On the smell front, others suggest dousing your furniture in fox urine, more commonly available than you might think. The theory: squirrels are afraid of predators. I myself am not a fan of sitting in urine, although on this point I do not judge. It is available in a powder form under the brand name Shake Away.

(On the same “predator” theory, I’ve heard it suggested you get a big rubber snake and put it on your deck. Move it every few days. Might be worth a shot. Really, even if it doesn’t work, you’ve got yourself a rubber snake.)

Yet another theory: distraction. Squirrels aren’t dumb, just delinquent. If you’ve got better treats than polypropylene, that’s what they’ll go for. Buy some “deer corn” and put it out. Which has the added advantage of keeping it away from the kindly liberals who feed it to deer and are fueling chronic wasting disease around the state. It’s a good theory, but takes some maintenance in practice – soon as the corn runs out, they’re back gnawing on your Adirondacks.

Two surefire cures. First, wrought iron or concrete lawn furniture. But there’s the expense, as well as concrete’s prospect of discomfort or wrought iron’s prospect of waffle butt. Second, if you’ve got room, bring your chairs in when you’re not using them. Unless, of course, you’ve got squirrels inside your house. Then it won’t help at all.