1.  When someone steals 500 pounds of copper balls, they’re either looking at a serious financial bonus or a huge army of anatomically accurate male robots.

2.  Whoever said “a kiss is just a kiss” obviously didn’t have a girlfriend that was a part of the Menomonie bar scene.

3.  If you rat on your neighbors for having a loud Homecoming party, they may retaliate against your home using motor oil and matches. Thankfully the trail of vomit and beer they left behind is a dead giveaway for police.

4.  All it takes to ruin a perfectly good, hand-shaped public art installation that everyone enjoys is a screwdriver, crowbar, and one or two tools, who are sick of sitting on beanbag chairs.

5.  It’s true, underagers can legally drink alcohol in Wisconsin if they’re with their parents. The people that let that rule fly just didn’t think there were parents in this state dumb enough to serve a 4-year-old. Well, they were very wrong.

6.  An accidental fire in a middle school art class may sound tragic, but the students’ works might look really freaking cool now.

7.  When police call you up saying, “Yeah, hey, um, could you come down to the station. We’ve got a few, ahem, questions about, you know, a burglary and a sexual assault,” don’t be surprised and try to run away when they decide arrest you – they will use stun guns.

8.  We’ve always known that athletes and frat boys have hazing, but not marching band members! Maybe we should invite them to the party this weekend …

9.  After a middle schooler got into a fight during recess, he/she returned with an airsoft gun and shot pellets at classmates. Note to post office: when that kid is older, turn down their application.

10.  We all understand your hatred for Wal-Mart, dude, even though it’s evils are kind of last year. But that doesn’t justify starting a fire in the potato chips aisle.

11.  When you’re bored and looking for something fun to do, I’d start letting your 3-year-old son offer up suggestions, because the whole “riding on the hood of the car is fun” thing kind of backfired.

12.  Who decided that pointing a gun at your spouse was a good way to resolve an argument? I don’t care if it ain’t loaded, just say you’re wrong and be done with it.