1. Barbering, the act of helming a pair of shears and ruthlessly slicing split-ends, is a bad idea if you don’t have a license. You’ll need to cover a $150 fine, and at two bits, you’ll need to do a lot of shaves and haircuts.

2. What’s more embarrassing: being arrested while riding a purple bike or the fact that you stole the bike from a convenience store after telling the clerk that you wanted it?

3.Yeah, it’s a bummer that someone broke into the bar and stole some cash; but at least they also took the time to nab the Hanson CD from the jukebox.

4. EMS technicians might think you’re Mel Gibson from Lethal Weapon 2 if you call 911 because your shoulder popped out of its socket and, before they arrive, you manage to pop it back in yourself.

5. It’s generally OK if you feel the need to rekindle your relationship with the great outdoors by urinating in your backyard. Just make sure the neighbors aren’t watching.

6. They say, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I say, “When someone drops 45 tires in your yard, make the coolest fort ever and reenact Escape from New York.”

7. Barack Obama’s promise of “change” has already had a local effect, as his visit to Eau Claire cost police departments almost $3,000 in overtime and mileage.

8. Officials are, like, really good at making things sound more technical than they are. “He tried to spit on a cop” translates to “He attempted to throw or expel a bodily substance on an emergency worker.”

9. When your lawn care rivalry with your neighbor escalates to the point that you sneak over to sabotage their bushes with a hedge trimmer, please call HGTV and start a show, because I want to watch your garden throwdown on TV and make fun of you.

10. Text message enunciation is key. It turns out that “I’m going to die” and “My phone is going to die” are two very different messages.

11. Someone has resorted to throwing eight-ounce cans of green beans through windows. Maybe he was confusing the Chippewa Valley with the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant.