Police Reports | July 31, 2008

lessons we`ve learned from local police reports

Trevor Kupfer |

1. “Petty” theft means that you’re “free fallin’” into a $260 fine and retailers will say, “Don’t come around here no more.”

2. If, within the span a few weeks, you find a dead skunk on your parked car and a skinned fox tied to your door, there’s a good chance someone is unhappy with you. There’s also a good chance that the culprit is Ted Nugent.

3. If the images of graffiti in Phelan Park are to tell us any personal information about the perpetrator(s), it would fall somewhere between Bob Marley and Frosty the Snowman.

4. There are several alternatives to drunk driving, but rather than calling a cab at least one person in this world prefers to hit his car with a baseball bat.

5. If you’re under the legal limit after those two glasses of wine, there’s no need to get in a high-speed chase with police.

6. Firefighters will rush to the scene when a power pole and transformer catch fire, but may be disappointed when they realize Optimus Prime is not involved.

7. If you’re going to lie to police as to why you were running down the street with eight frozen pizzas at 5am, try to remember those muddy footprints that left a trail straight to a pizza-less house.

8. Jumping through a window is an excellent escape route from a burning building, but isn’t as successful when you’re on the street and running away from police.

9. Throwing something at a woman’s car hasn’t been a successful means of flirtation since the era of cavemen – and the cars were much harder to damage back then.