Rejection Letters From Santa - 2014
colorful correspondence between area folks and the bearded guy
My grandma says we’re already spoiled but we want MORE COOL STUFF! First, we want a new science building that floats in the air so you need personal helicopters to get there! And a ninja training building that comes out of the ground when you say the secret password! And an ice cream building that serves ice cream and is MADE OUT OF ICE CREAM! We know you can do this for us, Santa!
-The University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire
Thanks to our new NSA partnership, the North Pole now has access to the National Gift Data Repository, which compiles statistics on what everyone got for birthdays, Easters, and other gifts. And your grandma is right! For Pete’s sake, a new student center, education building, and promises for a performing arts center AND a replacement for Zorn? Back in my day, college was just a math workbook and an old outhouse. I’ll bring you some of those workbooks.
Dear the Santa Claus,
My name is Pierre, and I am sidewalk construction artist. I design all the sidewalk for North Barstow. I work very hard. Many bricks and textures. Very beautiful, like sunrise over hills of Languedoc-Roussillon. Now they build parking ramp?!? What the bullcrap is this? Now no one use my sidewalk! For Christmas, no ramp! People walk! People appreciate my sidewalk! Sincerement,
Thanks for your work. Having an artist of your caliber come to America … Quite an honor. Here’s the problem. There was an agreement with the city, and winter. Let me tell ya’, we don’t get sissy cheese-ass winters like the south of France. Do you know how hard it is to carry a full coffee and a dozen donuts over two blocks of icy sidewalk? How about I get you some of those Segways. That will get more people on the sidewalks. Sincere-whatever you said,
Dear Ultimate Spirit of Consumerism,
You got us a DSW? And a Woodman’s? No you didn’t. No you did NOT! Oh my God! Shoes! And a crazy selection of cheap groceries! We’re freaking OUT! That is amazing! I’m getting, like five pairs of boots. And every type of curry paste we’re never heard of. Okay, next … I don’t know! Chick-Fil-A? Burlington Coat Factory? I just don’t know!
–The Extremely Fickle Chippewa Valley Desire
for National Chains and Franchises
You know what’s funny? My thank you note for that Chipotle got lost in mail. Strange. Same with Dunkin’ Donuts. I just can’t figure out why you wouldn’t appreciate those after asking for them for so long … Oh, I know, because you’re IRRESPONSIBLE and CHILDISH. Sonic, Linens N’ Things, Outback Steakhouse… Chaps my backside, if you know what I mean. If, and I mean IF, you appreciate that DSW, take care of it, give it food and water, play with it every once in awhile, then maybe, MAYBE we can discuss an Apple Store. MAYBE.
Dear Saint Nick,
Please be advised that if you visit the Chippewa Valley after visiting West Africa, you will be subjected to a mandatory three-week quarantine in the old post office building. And if you are carrying any toys that make us think of Africa, stuffed zebras or giraffes or whatever, that’s a two-week quarantine. If you inadvertently hum anything that reminds us of Toto’s 1983 hit song “Africa,” one week.
–Chippewa Valley Nurses
Oh geez. Here we go. You know I’ve been doing this for a while, right? I’ve lived through polio, SARS, Spanish flu. Didn’t infect everyone Christmas morning those times, did I? Give me a break. Hand sanitizer, cough into your elbow, rubber gloves. Got it.
Dear Santa Claus,
Hey. What’s up. I know… Look, I know I’m not as big as the Eau Claire River, but I meet up with the Chippewa River too. I’ve got a confluence too. I don’t need an arts center or anything. Maybe just a bench. Or a gazebo. Really, I’d be happy with anything.
– Lowes Creek
Dear Mr. Creek,
Aw, geez. I feel terrible. All these plans and discussion, it never occurred to me how that might make you feel. You’re right, you’re not as big as the Eau Claire River, but I’m sure we could out something together. How about a picnic table and one of those permanent grill things? We can call it “Confluence Junior.”
Keep it flowin’,