1. Parents can go to jail if they don’t get their kids to school. Here’s an idea: buy an alarm clock. It’s like 10 bucks, tops.
 
2. If you’re trying to save up $80,000 towards your dream of owning a fast food establishment, buying clothes from a thrift store and returning them for a refund at the mall is certainly one way to go. But come on. That’s, like, 4,000 pairs of pants you gotta take back.
 
3. “Negligent handling of burning materials” is just the nice way of saying, “your bottle rockets ended up scorching 400 acres of marshland, which resulted in the evacuation of five homes and the utilization of 60 firefighters.”
 
4. Someone is stealing boatloads of money from a local church. Tom Hanks is investigating a possible connection to the Mona Lisa paintings downtown.
 
5. You know all that crazy high-tech DNA-sensing equipment you see on CSI: Miami every week? Well, some of that gear – like the kind that can find your DNA on a cigarette butt – ain’t fake.
 
6. It takes some children a while to get past the whole “clothes-shedding” phase. Also, certain adults never get past the whole “flashing your next door neighbor from your own window” phase, which is far more illegal.
 
7. Posting nude pictures of your girlfriend on the internet is not the best way to mend a broken heart … unless your heart happens to mend well during community service.
 
8. Post holes might seem like a safe place to keep your posts, but that’s not always the case.
 
9. Whoever stole that $1,500 cast-iron hand pump in the town of Dunn has probably been drinking refreshing well water like he stole it!