The Rear End

A Productive Pandemic

thanks oh so much for all the great quarantine advice!

Mike Paulus, illustrated by Eva Paulus |

How’s it going, Chippewa Valley? Anything new happening? Any world-shattering current events affecting us here at home? Any paradigm-shifting incidents gripping the planet, making things weird here in Eau Claire, Chippewa Falls, Menomonie, and parts inbetwixt?

Ha! I kid. I’m aware of the pandemic.

Like you, I’ve been dealing with it for months, trying to figure out life in quarantine. Lucky for me, as soon as social distancing and school closures and layoffs and Wisconsin’s “Safer at Home” order went into effect, I got all kinds of advice. From the internet.

Suddenly, Facebook was flooded with memes telling me how to handle my life. “Don’t be negative!” they said. “This is an opportunity!” they shouted. Instead of feeling down, I should see this as a rare chance to focus on art or writing or home repair or finally learning to speak Chinese!

To all those people peddling productivity via social media, here’s a question: How many globe-crushing pandemics have you lived through? How many soul-wrenching, economy-crashing, health system-overwhelming pandemics have you lived through? Zero?

Play music! Start that side business! Bake bread! Record a podcast! Whittle a friggin’ duck!

And underneath it all, anonymous internet friends whispered, “If you’re not taking this time to get your life together and fix all your problems, then you’re doing it wrong.”

That was day one. On day two, the backlash began.

Predictably, the more cynical and/or rational among us didn’t take too kindly to all this cheery, unsolicited advice. And the people whose lives weren’t going so great before COVID-19? Well they really didn’t want to hear it.

Soon I saw new messages telling me to not worry about being productive. We're fine just feeling what we feel. Doing what we do. This is hard. Don’t pretend it’s easy. More advice.

For my part, I quickly assumed that people who are actually being productive aren’t making and sharing Facebook memes about being productive. Because they’re too busy. Being productive.

To all those people peddling productivity via social media, here’s a question: How many globe-crushing pandemics have you lived through? How many soul-wrenching, economy-crashing, health system-overwhelming pandemics have you lived through?

What was that you say? Zero? Zero pandemics? So all that unsolicited advice about introspection and home repair and taking up watercolors is really just a shot into a pitch black sky? Because you – like me – have no idea how to handle this, and we’re all desperate to grab onto any shred of control, and we’ll click SHARE on anything that makes us feel even slightly happy as we sit at the kitchen table each night unable imagine what tomorrow will bring?

Perhaps I’m being over dramatic. So let me say this a different way.

I have a feeling the people pushing you to be productive are just ... coping. And as we complain about all this advice, we’re just coping. We’re all doing our best. And yeah, I know, other people’s “best” is sometimes “really, really annoying.”

But I get it. If sharing an idealistic meme neither you nor anyone else on Instagram will truly take to heart – if that makes you feel a brief moment of relief – I get it. I’m not going to tell you to stop posting that stuff.

I’m also not going to take up the pan flute, but hey, I see you out there doing your best to help. Thank you for sharing.

And if you’re sick and tired of people gently guilting you into living a different life, I get that too. Scroll by.

Maybe I’m too cynical, but I think most people offering unsolicited advice are probably just eager to explain their own thoughts out loud – to make themselves feel better. Because they really don’t know what else to do.

And we all need to feel better. And we all don’t know what else to do.

All of this – everything I’m babbling about – stems from a basic instinct to help each other out. Humans are a social species, and caring for each other got us this far. I think it’ll get us through COVID-19, as well.

Be safe.