Lessons Learned from Police Reports

recently published in the Leader-Telegram

Eric Rasmussen

1. When you have to go, hey, you have to go. But stopping your van before you hit the outhouse will save you $1,000 and save you from having to do that awkward have-to-hold-it-longer dance.

2. If a stray dog crawls under your car, you can A.) slowly back up or B.) get out and try to coax the animal out. C.) both – trying to coax the animal out while leaving your vehicle in reverse so it slowly backs itself – should only be attempted by professionals.

3. You know all those ice fishing shacks some guys leave on lakes all winter? Yeah, those aren’t free.

4. Making a fake bomb threat at a school is a terrible way to try to get out of class. Making a fake bomb threat at a Kohl’s makes even less sense. Their prices simply can’t get any lower.

5. It’s probably not a good idea to upset your geeky friends who are good with websites because their rage might turn into a website advertising your (nonexistent) escort services – to be advertised to friends and family via Facebook. Just a tip.

6. In ancient times, churches acted as sanctuaries that, to some extent, protected criminals from any legal action being taken against them. In modern day Wisconsin, a library will not serve you in a similar way. At all. Not even sure why you thought it would.

7. Note to all men: Here is a list of people who would be interested in nude photos of you: your doctor, assuming you are having some sort of skin problem that needs documenting. Here is a list of people who would probably call the police if you send nude photos of yourself to them: everyone else.

8. Business is really starting to “heat up” for local tax preparation businesses, which is a creative and funny metaphor until a tax and accounting business starts on fire.

9. Many 2nd amendment proponents cite protection of the home as a reason for the ownership of firearms, which must make it super embarrassing when someone breaks into a gun enthusiast’s home and steals 65 rifles, handguns, and submachine guns.