Intercepted Valentines

private letters of love that somehow found their way to our senior contributor, Eric Rasmussen

Eric Rasmussen

If Cupid has wings, why does he need a flying contraption?
 
If Cupid has wings, why does he need a flying contraption?

To road planners and construction workers, a poem:

We wanted to say
On this Valentine’s Day
Our trails sure are great
And our bike lanes, first rate
And we just can’t believe
Our new traffic reprieve
Those tunnels you built us
Are super stupendous
So when the snow’s gone
We’ll put spandex on
And pedal away
All night and all day

Thanks guys! Happy Valentine’s Day!
– Eau Claire Cyclists

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To my sweet, saccharine (literally) love,

My sweet, how I yearn for you! My world is nothing but hops and barley, when all I desire is your sugary enchantment. Orange Kool-Aid, with your vibrant neon color and thirst-quenching deliciousness … keeping our love a secret has plunged me into despair. Alas that a beer man has fallen for such a childish temptation! Alas that our time must remain secret, you poured into empty Creamy Dark bottles and enjoyed with such trepidation. I daily yearn for a taste of your love on my lips, at least until Summer Shandy returns.

In anguish over our hidden affair,
– Jake Leinenkugel

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Dear county board members,

We didn’t know if a Valentine would be appropriate, but we just wanted to say thank you. You guys rock. We haven’t been this excited since the Eemian interglacial period ended and we were deposited around the area. You see, when you’re a subterranean deposit, there’s not much to get worked up for. But now we’ve got the spotlight. And, sure, if we had our choice, we’d be heading off to sandboxes or glass factories or something. But fracking, what the hell, that could be fun. We could be the Chippewa Valley’s timber of the 21st century – building industry and attracting residents. But, then again, we could also be slapping around Mother Nature. Either way, we appreciate the attention and trust you’ll make the right decision for our future.

Thanks again – Happy Valentine’s Day,
– Sand

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To our favorite commode, the new Phoenix Park bathrooms,

Until you came along, we were pent up, nearly bursting. The pressure of life was so great. We were an accident waiting to happen, a dam ready to burst. And then you washed into our lives. Our passion could flow. We could let it all out. Our relationship started not with a dribble, but with a great whoosh, and it has been smooth seas ever since. Before we run all over the place, let us just say this – we really make quite the splash together!

Love,
– Chippewa Valley Bladders

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Dear players,

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I know it’s the offseason
But you should probably be practicing
Not reading valentines.

Love,
– Dale Varsho, Eau Claire Express Coach

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United States Postal Service,

Baby, we gotta say, we’re sorry. You know how much we love you. You know how much we need you. But you threatnin’ to take away our mail processin’ center! Baby face, you know Fed Ex means nothin’ to us. Nothin’! And, sugar baby face, email got nothin’ on you. With your stamps, and your zip code, sugar baby wookie face, ooooh, that gets me so hot. I get my hands all over you, and I just can’t wait to tear open your envelope. I tell you what, sugar baby monkey wookie face, I will build a brand-new, top-of-the-line, spare-no-expense post office, location to be determined. Then we put this all behind us. Whaddaya say?

Love,
– Your big daddy local postal customers

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Dear TV-18,

It’s been great being roomies
But our new tower’s done
Although we fought over dishes
We really had some fun
And that one special night
After we both drank a ton
I’ll remember it forever
From our new home at DTV 13.1

Forever,
– TV-13

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