Local Letters to Santa
colorful correspondence between area folks and the big, bearded guy
Dear Mr. Claus,
You’ll have to forgive us BECAUSE WE ARE A LITTLE ON EDGE. It’s just, you know, when your absolute destruction is coming, but you just don’t know when … THAT GUY HAS FIREWOOD – WAS IT PURCHASED LOCALLY?!? Sorry. For Christmas, maybe you could bring HOLY CRAP I SEE ONE. Nope, nope, it’s just a box elder bug. Could we defer our presents to the ash borers? Could you bring them a whole bunch of Twinkies or something?
– The Ash Trees
I do not envy you guys, let me tell you. As a big dude without much access to quality laundry facilities here at the North Pole, I am also under constant insect threat. Except, for me it’s bedbugs. Gross. I guess the best way to keep bedbugs away is to wash your sheets, so I’ll bring y’all some laundry detergent, okay? And if that doesn’t work, we are always looking for more raw materials for the baseball bat division. Yay recycling!
Dear St. Nick,
Christmas came early on the Eastside Hill! The Hastings Way project sounds awesome. Bike lanes, trees, smooth four-laned driving pleasure. So now we want accessories. Could you please bring us a group of people to stand next to the bike lane handing out little cups of water? And how about heated benches with beaded seat covers? And complimentary foot rubs whenever we’re stopped at the Fenwick intersection? Thanks! Merry Christmas!
– People of the Eastside Hill
Dear East Hill,
Believe me, I would love to help (you are all definitely on the nice list, putting up with the Main Street construction and all), but for city stuff you have to bid everything out, and the Easter Bunny has been low-balling me all over the place. Here’s the best I can do – I can TRY to make sure the thing is actually plowed. If you get more than two inches of snow. If you get less, I don’t know. Buckle up, I guess.
– Mr. Kringle
Dear St. Nick,
Please, sir, I am so cold and lonely. I sit on my corner, watching the joy of Phoenix Park across the river, and the renewed life of downtown, but all I can do is shiver. I just want someone to love me. If I could just clean myself up – I am so grimy and full of sand. I thought things were going to change with a club and recording studio, but I was abandoned again. Please don’t let them tear me down. Anything would be fine – Payday Loan store, a McDonald’s, or the city’s 77th tattoo parlor. Just please don’t let them bulldoze me. Please.
– 2 South Barstow
Dear gross old building,
Hey, hey, come on, people still like you. You’re, you know, there, and you have this creepy thing going on which some people dig. I will definitely be bringing you some oil soaked rags and cans of gasoline. Nothing like a fresh start! Wink, wink! You could have your own phoenix thing going on – rebirth by fire! Get it? You won’t be shivering for long!
Dear Santa Claus,
Guess who! It’s the Eau Claire Area School District again! I bet you thought we were getting too old to write letters to Santa. Not so, noble elf, not so. We actually don’t have anything on the Christmas list this year. If we look restrained and responsible, it builds trust. But while we have your ear, could make a few appearances on behalf of the upcoming referendum? We figure if we can put together a presentation featuring Santa, Jesus, some puppies, Oprah, warm chocolate cookies, and fuzzy socks, who could say no? Whaddaya say?
– The ECASD
Dear Eau Claire Schools,
Let me look at my calendar … Yeah, I’m going to St. Bart’s for most of January, then the magical creatures convention in Vegas in February … What if I just recorded something and put it on YouTube? And if that referendum thing doesn’t work out, you can put kids in the backs of U-Hauls and stuff, right? Kids are resilient – they can learn anywhere!