Police Reports | July 29, 2010
lessons we learned from local police reports
1. Scheels sells an item called a “Power Bracelet.” Unfortunately, these supposedly magical bracelets do not bestow the power to avoid arrest and prosecution if one shoplifts them. Also, the Eau Claire Express does not condone stealing, unless it’s a wild pitch.
2. When using Craigslist to solicit illegal activities, one should employ code words. For example, instead of saying you are willing to pay $500 for someone to make you a mail bomb, try saying you are willing to pay for a Pony Express boomer. Maybe the Feds won’t figure that one out.
3. Sex education is always super awkward for the students involved. However, it becomes significantly more awkward when the teacher is a friend’s creepy dad, and his curriculum consists of the grittier parts of the internet.
4. Where is the absolute best place to suffer from toxic yellow smoke inhalation? Hint: it’s not Arby’s. Answer: The hospital!
5. Say you are a burly dude drinking forties of Natural Ice, and you want to fight another burly dude who has also been drinking. Maybe don’t host that fight in your bedroom, because the “Two men have problems in the bedroom” headline may not jive with your image.
6. When someone is arrested for drunk driving for the eighth time, perhaps the courts should check if some genetic predisposition causes the perpetrator’s blood to be naturally 20 proof.
7. The beauty of the natural world collectively belongs to all of humanity. However, helping yourself to your supposed share of that natural beauty by taking trees from the Shopko parking lot is still considered stealing.
8. A popular philosophy amongst those that imbibe alcohol involves the supposed drawbacks of “breaking the seal.” This philosophy is so powerful, in fact, that it can lead a drinker to urinate on the side of the road in the middle of a traffic stop.
9. If the clowns who are trying to break into your house are not dissuaded by the twentieth shotgun blast, take a little time to reevaluate both your choice of weaponry and the likelihood that you are hallucinating.
10. The stress of witnessing a coworker succumb to an injury can impair some very specific cognitive processes, including the ability to calculate the ages of youths attempting to buy alcohol using their actual drivers’ licenses.
11. Movie rental stores are failing for several reasons – services like Netflix offer more convenience, no late fees, online content, and there is no way you could ever accidentally run your car into Netflix, leaving a giant hole in the brick.