Taking Pet Care to the Extreme

 


 

REASONABLE & EXPECTED OBSESSIVE & EXCESSIVE
Spay or neutering Getting your dog equipped with Neuticles, or testicular implants ($919) for their fragile self-esteem
Treating your cat’s broken leg Guarding all nine lives with a comprehensive insurance package
Finding a secondary caretaker for the kitty in your ripe old age Establishing a trust fund (of which the average amount is $25,000)
Playing tug of war/roughhousing with your dog Taking them to dog yoga classes  where you stretch and manipulate their limbs
Keeping Fido smelling nice – with soap Dousing them in “Sexy Beast,” a unisex blend of bergamot and vanilla infused musk combined with natural patchouli, mandarin, and nutmeg oils
Rubbin’ their belly Hiring a pet masseuse ($80/hr)
Clippin’ their nails Paying someone to give them fake ones
Overlooking your dog’s visible signs of aging, if not your own Subjecting them to cosmetic surgeries such as eye lifts and nose jobs
Following your elusive cat to its mysterious hiding places Strapping a “cat cam” to its collar and watching the footage
Enlisting a real-live neighbor to feed and check up on your dog Releasing food remotely, using a cell phone and automated feeder
Learning the signs. Hissing is bad. Purring is good Investing in a Meowlingual or Bowlingual translator, which pinpoints an emotional state as well as an accompanying phrase
Thinking twice before leaving your dog in the car The Hotdog digital thermometer sets off an alarm and lowers car windows when the temp reaches the suffering point
Give a dog a bone How about a bubble gun that dispenses 4,000 meat-scented bubbles a minute?
Outfitting your pup with an informative leather dog collar Cartier diamond-studded collar ($5,000)

 

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