Police Reports | April 8, 2010

lessons we learned from police reports recently published in the Leader-Telegram

Eric Rasmussen |

1. Of all the skills you learned in 3rd grade, addressing an envelope may be the most important, because when you try to repay a payday loan but send the check to the wrong person, you’re screwed.

2. If Hollywood car chase scenes were real, they would cause millions of dollars worth of damage. If you were to speed through a hayfield, the chase would be seriously less awesome, but the damage would only be about $2,000.

3. A Sam’s Club box of bleach can hold $330 worth of computer software, video games, and meat. In a related lesson, if you are going through the trouble of hiding bleach bottles throughout the store so you can pack the box with other merchandise, your efforts will be better rewarded through more games and software, and less meat.

4. In all honesty, threatening police with a hand grenade may get you noticed. But, seriously, save your grenade for something bigger than a traffic stop.

5. Here’s a math story problem – your excavator holds 57 gallons of diesel fuel. What is the biggest amount of fuel you could request from the county in the hopes of swindling them? Answer: Not 70 gallons. They’ll probably figure it out.

6. We have never had a restaurant meal so bad that we felt the appropriate response was to retrieve our handgun. For others, apparently, the line between medium and medium rare is much more serious. Deadly serious.

7. If you are one of Eau Claire’s celebrities, you are probably used to people wanting to see more of you. However, giving your fans what they want rarely involves exposing yourself to random women.

8. If Craigslist were to add a section titled “Fake Sex Addiction Ads Intended to Get Back a Friend’s Wife,” it would save a whole lot of people a whole lot of jail time.