The Rear End

Fighting the First Wave of Christmas

I’ve seen decorations up before Halloween. Why, dear god, why?

Mike Paulus, illustrated by Beth Czech |

My next door neighbor – let’s call him Chad – borrowed my lawn mower the other day. I was glad to do it since he’d lent me his own mower a bunch of times when mine wasn’t working. It’s what neighbors do.

You know what else neighbors do? They put up Christmas decorations the day after Halloween – sometimes before. You see, I’ve got this other neighbor who’s had his Christmas display up for what feels like years. He’s got loud music with synchronized lights. And snow globe inflatables. And jolly wooden cutouts. And more loud music. The display gets bigger and earlier every year.

So, to sum up, there’s a house on my block decked out for Christmas Freak-tacular 2009, while the rest of us are still mowing our lawns. It doesn’t take a team of highly trained psychologists – nor, for that matter, a team of poorly trained circus cats – to tell you this just isn’t right.

As you can see, I enjoy ranting about the perpetually earlier rollout of Christmas/holiday decorations – at our department stores, supermarkets, and most infuriatingly, our neighbor’s lawns – as much as the next guy. I’m betting most of you rant about it, too. I think what bugs me most is that people seem too busy looking for the next big thing instead of enjoying the stretch of time they’re, like, actually living in right now. People – even people who wait all year long for Christmas to come with candy canes tightly grasped in their bemittened hands – need to chill out. Let’s just worry about Thanksgiving, OK?

Don’t get me wrong; I like the Holiday season, especially now that I’ve got kids. But when Christmas just up and pukes all over my neighborhood before Veterans Day, it loses some of its jolly ol’ luster. Ultra-hyper-exposure to naughty elf lawn ornaments, department store greeting card displays, Christmas tree-shaped snack crackers, and carton after carton of eggnog – it all just dilutes the nicey-nice feelings you’re supposed to have when Christmas Eve finally gets here.


Oh yeah, late disclaimer: if you don’t celebrate Christmas, just pretend I’m offering you extremely well-researched and articulate observations on the mind of Christian-raised Midwesterners, and please do not assume that I assume you celebrate Christmas, too.

I know some people get going on Christmas so early because they just love it so gosh darn much (golly gee willikers), and I guess that’s fine. But I just can’t shake the feeling that most of these people have their lights up already because they do pretty much EVERYTHING early. These are the people that send you birthday cards three months in advance. They already have the red plastic cups purchased for their 2014 Fourth of July picnic and scrapbooking party.

If anyone like that is reading this, listen up. I’d just like to point out that many of your neighbors have beaten you to the holiday punch as far as decorations go. They’ve had their stuff up since December of last year. Yep, these people have dingy white “icicle” lights draped from their gutters for ALL major and minor holidays. Come Christmastime, all they gotta do is plug that shiz in. It’s true: they’ve beaten you at your own game just by being lazy. So there.

Now I guess I’d be remiss to not mention this other group of  holiday early birds – people who just want to be happy. It’s hard to be mad at these folks. These aren’t the happiest of times for a lot of our neighbors, and if they’d like a shot of Christmas cheer in early November, who am I to complain? If people just want to be happy, and propping up an inflatable Santa Claus in their front yard does the trick … why the hell not? Maybe it’s OK.

Am I high on dollar store glue stick? Not today, my friends.

It occurs to me now that I’ve never actually tried decorating early. Maybe it’s therapeutic. Maybe it helps. Maybe it changes your perspective. I suppose as long as you don’t get caught up in the über-commercial holiday tidal wave crashing upon us, if you’re able to grab onto a huge foam candy cane and swim against the current … well that just might be a beautiful thing.

So am I going to step outside right now and throw some twinkle lights on my roof? Nope. They’re still there from last year.