The Rear End

Ooh, It's So Good

the humble church cookbook contains many hidden pleasures

Mike Paulus, illustrated by Beth Czech |

It’s getting colder, and if you’re like me, that means it’s time to eat more. There’s no way around it, people, just give in and start eating. Many of you call this time of year “Autumn,” but I call it “Casserole Season,” and I’m here to tell you that things have gotten out of hand in the world of casseroles. I believe we’re living in a unique time, a time when casserole recipes have exploded in diversity. For whatever reason, the stuff people are turning into casseroles seems to have grown exponentially.

You’ve got taco casserole, pizza casserole, chow mein casserole, and cheeseburger casserole. There’s scalloped potato casserole, green bean casserole, falafel casserole, and buffalo wing casserole with blue cheese dressing. And what about gyro casserole, Monte Cristo casserole, chicken salad sandwich casserole, and Prosciutto Panini casserole? There’s even lasagna casserole. Isn’t lasagna already a casserole? What the hell?

Feeding this insanity is the humble church cookbook. I must confess that my wife and I harbor a minor obsession with small town church cookbooks. They are hilarious and awesome, and at times, they have good recipes in them.

Now, Midwestern cuisine has been widely ridiculed, to the utter delight of Garrison Keillor and other blatantly un-Midwestern people. So I won’t bore you with jokes about unhealthy amounts of mayonnaise (sweet, sweet delicious mayonnaise) or the unthinkable variety of foods we call “salad.” Instead, I’ll just tell you why we like small town cookbooks.

The best part is that recipes are usually contributed directly by parishioners. On one hand, it’s cool to see a group of people’s favorite recipes gathered together – the best of the best from well-meaning, good-hearted folks. On the other hand, it’s hilarious to imagine stories about those people, especially the ones that seem to have contributed well over half of the recipes because they’re an overbearing, frilly blouse-wearing, control freak church lady.

I’m talking about you, Millie Knutson.


    It’s also fun to imagine what kind of person a contributor is – just from the recipes they deem as cookbook-worthy. And sometimes it seems like each member of the church was forced to hand in at least one recipe, and they just rattled something off the top of their heads.

For instance, I think our all-time favorite recipe – the funniest we’ve come across – is for “Ham Loaf.” Yes, the title all by itself is great, but check out the ingredients:

  • • 2 lbs ham loaf
    • 1 cup dry bread crumbs
    • 2 eggs
    • 1 cup milk
    • ¼ t. pepper
    • NO SALT

Yep, according to someone named “Bill,” the first ingredient in ham loaf is ham loaf. I assume this is just some sort of recipe for kicking ham loaf up a notch (bam). Perhaps Bill is not one for creative recipe titling, and someone with more flare would have called it Savory Crumb Crusted Ham - with NO SALT.

We also love finding recipes that make you do theological research. Usually, it’s just a list of ingredient amounts paired with Bible verses – each verse mentions something like sugar, flour, honey, milk, or the fodder of Satan’s wicked pleasure. I understand there are people out there who love cooking food and love reading the Bible, and pairing these two loves is an amazing opportunity, but I’m betting there’s only five people like that, and they’re all married to each other and living in a stat the rhymes with “coleslaw.” Seriously, who’s gonna do two hours of Bible school homework just to make a dozen friggin’ oatmeal scotchies?

Lately, in cookbooks produced within the last 10 to 15 years, we’ve been noticing a lot of joke recipes hidden within the glorious pages of casseroles and salads and ham loaf crusts. And (not so) oddly enough, many of them have to do with cooking camels and other animals associated with the Middle East. You’ll be paging along when all of a sudden, you’re looking at the ingredients for “Israeli Camel Cake” or something of the sort. I’m pretty sure these politically incorrect recipes started out as an e-mail forward from somebody’s “kinda racist” uncle.

You also come across plenty of recipes for things like Norwegian Sushi from a cooking duo named Ole and Lena, but the anti-Middle Eastern recipes are all over the place. It’s an eye-opening peek at the silent mass of intolerant mayonnaise lovers living among us.

Anyway, the next time you see a church cookbook sitting on you mom’s counter or in a garage sale book bin, pick it up and take a closer look. There’s a lot more in there than killer lasagna casserole recipes.