The Rear End

On New Year's Eve

I ate some crackers so now I’m ready to predict stuff

Mike Paulus, illustrated by Beth Czech |

On the eve of 2009, I was eating crackers. My favorite crackers. They weren’t fancy, but they were flaky. And buttery. And wonderful. From the initial crunch to the moment I threw away the package, I was living a brand new, euphoric life.

Maybe I should point out to you that I really like crackers. I do.

My wife and I have thrown many big parties on New Year’s Eve, but this year I just wanted to hang out and see if they’d put Dick Clark in front of a camera. And munch on tasty crackers. I suppose I should feel a little guilty about not doing anything exciting to ring in the New Year, but I don’t feel like I missed out on anything. I had fun. I went to sleep with a smile on my face.

And hey, times are tough what with that whole economic crisis and the world ending and all that. Party invitations and paper hats and wine and cheese don’t grow on trees, you know. Not on any of the trees in my yard, anyway.

Maybe I just wanted to have a quiet evening of reflection so that profound thoughts and insight could easily shimmer to the surface of my consciousness. Maybe I just wanted to immerse myself in a peaceful atmosphere so that I could better understand my role in this crazy time and place. 

After a night of calm and quiet, the most profound thing I thought to say out loud was this: “Hey, this is, like, the last year you can wear those ‘2000’ glasses where the two middle zeros go over your eyes.”

Think about it. Right?

OK, so I didn’t have any beacon-like revelations about time or space or anything cool like that. I did have a few trippy, late-night visions, but I also had some eggnog I found in the back of the fridge. So much for reflection.

That’s OK, because everyone’s been doing so much reflection around here, you’d think there was a giant statue of Abraham Lincoln at one end of the Chippewa Valley and the Washington Monument at the other.  Everyone’s been looking back at 2008, yammering on about mortgage bubble this, Barack Obama that, pregnant man here, Michael Phleps there, Pakistan, hurricanes, blah, blah, blah.

So let’s look forward, OK? I’m going to make a few predictions based on a mixture of my accumulated knowledge of local happenings and my natural intuition which is about as accurate my ping pong serve. Here we go.


I predict that, in 2009, three or four local “indie” bands – all members male, all members white – will play one show per month at both the Stones Throw and the House of Rock (and maybe the Grand Little Theatre) and record a 10-song album about either a) a girl, b) obscure historical references, or c) a girl.

I predict that your favorite ethnic restaurant will close and you and all of your friends will be very, very pissed and tell everyone about how awesome it was. Luckily, that coffee shop you like will still be hanging on.

I predict that everyone will still like the Farmers Market in downtown Eau Claire and label it as one of the best things to do in the whole damn Valley. More and more people will shop there on an irregular basis and family farms will continue to die.

I predict that the State Theatre will book a large, Lyle Lovett-calibur act, and its ticket sales will be easily surpassed by a local production of Grease. The Nutcracker Suite will also do great.

I predict that a little shop selling cute, woodsy knickknacks with the word “Simplify” stamped upon them will open in every strip mall built within the past five years.

I predict that an Anytime Fitness will open in every strip mall built within the past five years.

I predict that 2-3 “organic” coffee shops will open and all will have Panini on the menu.

I predict that a local teacher will tell their students that they are gay, and slightly less people will care in 2009 than in 2008.

John Mogensen will say he’s almost ready to open a restaurant.

Of live music audiences, I predict blues music fans over the age of forty-five will continue to outnumber indie rock fans under the age of twenty-five.

I will eat a lot of buttery crackers.

Alright, I’m done. Predicting things is fun. Um ... let’s make 2009 the best year ever, OK?