1. Someone reported the theft of a pistol, holster, and rare coins. It can only mean one thing: Nicolas Cage must be tracking yet another National Treasure, this time in Eau Claire.

2. Ignition Interlock not only prevents drunk driving, but also acts as a sweet name for the lead character in your screenplay for the next Vin Diesel vehicle.

3. The metaphorical warning, “don’t keep all your eggs in one basket” can easily be applied to bow hunters. Especially if you substitute “eggs” for “compound bow and 12 arrows valued at $900” and “basket” for “unlocked car on 13th Avenue West.”

4. You say it’s your birthday? Breathalyzer point-two, yeah? They say it’s your birthday. You’re gonna have some jail time. I’m glad it’s your birthday. I was glad to serve you.

5. Damaging neighborhood mailboxes and vehicles is no way to get back at your parents. Haven’t you heard about the new trend? Put on tight pants, learn three chords, and write whiny lyrics. Guaranteed to get parents’ attention and notoriety on the pop charts.

6. In case you haven’t seen CSI, punching glass, like the kind surrounding a jewelry display case, will leave traces of DNA at the crime scene.

7. You’re right; you won’t get an underage drinking ticket if you claim the six stitches to your lip and chipped tooth was the result of an attack. But when you mix up the story and police figure out you were drunk and fell, that’ll earn you obstructing an officer. Oh yeah, and underage drinking.

9. The telemarketers that call during dinner aren’t the only ones that are evil. The kind that ask you to make your donation checks payable to out-of-state individuals on behalf of real charitable organizations aren’t particularly nice, either.

10. The next time Domino’s says they’re closed, before punching $1,000 worth of windows, think of how much pizza you could buy for that.

11. When the end of a sentence reads, “No gang affiliations,” shouldn’t that go without saying? Couldn’t you say, “Don’t break the law,” or better yet, “Play nice.”

12. If you leave a snowblower outside your business this time of year, don’t be surprised if it disappears. No one likes shoveling.