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Police Reports | Aug. 28, 2008

lessons we've learned from local police reports

Trevor Kupfer

1. When you’re involved in a group with the acronym ELF, it’s ironic when police connect you to the destruction of 500 trees, the most common residence for elves (especially those named Keebler).

2. A double cheeseburger has to taste pretty awful if it inspires you to later rob the McDonald’s. Either that or they forgot to remove the onions again.

3. You can’t test drive vehicles when the dealership is closed.

4. If you’ve already had eight drunk driving convictions, police aren’t likely to believe that the odor on your breath is a remnant from the day before.

5. Damage estimate for a spray-painted car: $500. Aesthetic value for the same car: priceless.

6. You might be better off purchasing some game meat than risking the fine of hunting after revocation. I mean, $726 can get you some serious carnivorous feast action.

7. The value of the money taken in a burglary almost always equals the amount written on the bills.

8. The pungent odor of rotten eggs may be a welcomed addition on Fear Factor, but laundromats kind of scoff at that sort of thing, especially when it involves a flaming ball emitting thick smoke.

9. Don’t possess cocaine. There are some hefty fines and it’s really hard for a priest to exorcise a powder.

10. It’s a bummer when you get a citation for skateboarding downtown, but at least the officer is kind enough to offer up some fashion tips.

11. When a burglary involves a Nintendo Wii, a case of Leinie’s, a shank of ham, and a chainsaw, I’d start looking for out-of-work lumberjacks.