Issue #143 2010-01-14

Articles

Live and learn, or just watch movies

wedding tips from the silver screen

 
Father of the Bride

•Weddings are OK, but funerals are really the place to pick up girls (Wedding Crashers and Harold & Maude)

•If you skip the “I do’s,” then the wedding never happened (The Princess Bride)

•Maids of Honor take note: cheesy jokes never work in the toast; say something from the heart (Wedding Crashers)

•According to the Greek custom where the newlyweds drink wine at the same time, if you spill you’re going to be traumatized in Vietnam and your wife will dump you (The Deer Hunter)

•Want to snag your bride? Just call Billy Idol (The Wedding Singer)

•No matter how bad you want it, chances are your prince charming ain’t coming from a classified ad (Muriel’s Wedding)

•Every one of your friends/relatives/etc. will wind up taking on the role of wedding planner (My Big Fat Greek Wedding)

•Anything to make the bride happy … even ice sculptures and swans (Father of the Bride)

•Consider getting married first, then meeting the in-laws (The Birdcage, The In-Laws, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner, and Meet the Parents)

•If your wedding planner looks like Jennifer Lopez, keep her away from the groom (The Wedding Planner)

•Cold feet are normal, but don’t let the bride warm them with cross-trainers (Runaway Bride)

•If you’re a young boy and an old fascist dude wants to marry you, expect a solid four months of unwatchable torture to follow (Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom)

•You can really take advantage of a mob boss on his daughter’s wedding day (The Godfather)

•Don’t sleep with your future wife’s mother; it’ll just complicate things (The Graduate)

•If you get married in Vegas, it might be to a hooker (The Hangover), James Caan will steal your bride (Honeymoon in Vegas), or it will be because you knocked up Salma Hayek (Fools Rush In)

•No matter how much you want your sister to be Maid of Honor, maybe she should just stay in rehab (Rachel Getting Married)

•Your wife might be an axe murderer (So I Married an Axe Murderer)

•If you kiss a boy when lightning strikes, it creates a love bond that not even McDreamy can break (Sweet Home Alabama)

•If someone refuses to hand over your bride’s dowry and consequently damages the marriage, brawl with him in the town square, save your marriage, and gain a best friend (The Quiet Man)

•You don’t need a big fancy honeymoon if it means sticking it to Mr. Potter (It’s a Wonderful Life)

•If you want to have an original wedding theme, musical is better than tennis or nudist (Confetti)

•You can take advantage of marriage for legal benefits, even if you’re not in love, so long as you’re willing to ridicule homosexuality (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry)

•Never ask Mr. Bean to be your priest (Four Weddings and a Funeral)

•If you don’t remember the name of someone at your wedding, the safe bet is Marie, Peter, or Paul (Goodfellas)

•It’s totally OK to switch things up and have your mother give you away at the altar, especially if your paternal situation resembles Three Men and a Baby (Mama Mia!)

•The most important words to remember are “I do,” though one kiss from Tom Selleck may slightly alter your delivery of said words (In & Out)

•If you need to recite your vows, never do it in a creepy haunted forest where trees resemble human hands (Corpse Bride)

•Arranged marriages rarely work out (Arthur, Corpse Bride, The Big Hearted Will Take the Bride, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Monsoon Wedding, and Fiddler on the Roof), nor do those forced at gunpoint (Oklahoma!)

•If you’re a mountain man, you can basically steal the woman of your choosing and marry her (Seven Brides for Seven Brothers)

•If you’re engaged and sleep with your fiancee’s brother, it’s OK because he’s cheating on you, too (Moonstruck)

•A soccer tournament is more important than a sibling’s wedding (Bend it Like Beckham)

•If you’re going to propose to a factory worker, barge in there in the middle of a shift, pick her up, and carry her out (An Officer and a Gentleman)

•If you just married a call girl and must deal with the consequences of her pimp, don’t worry; Elvis has got your back (True Romance)

•Don’t use a wedding ring as bait while fishing (Big Fish)

•On the eve of your wedding night if you find it hard to decide between your fiancée, ex-husband, and the reporter covering the wedding, just get drunk and see what happens (The Philadelphia Story and High Society)