Stepparenting doesn't need to be wicked.

Everyone always says that being a parent is one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs on the planet. You create this little creature that steals your heart from the moment it announces its existence. You spend the next 18 years giving your all to raise a well-rounded adult. Through all the heartache and worry you may experience, you know it’s all going to be worth it because a little piece of you will carry on forever. Maybe they have your nose and your spouse’s eyes, so when you see their little face you’re constantly reminded of how huge the universe is and of your own capacity for love. When this little creation of yours grows into a full-fledged adult, ideally they’ll be every dream you ever had for them. You’ll take joy and comfort in knowing they’ve left the nest with a full heart and strong wings. You’ll walk them down the aisle, plan their baby showers, and your heart will overflow with happiness when you see your child’s child. This knowledge, this little nugget of hope and love, is what has perpetuated our existence through the ages.

But what if you’re a stepparent? A Google search will produce for you a plethora of do’s and don’ts, blog postings from biological parents telling you how to behave, image results of every wicked stepmother Disney ever created, and a big ball of self-doubt and fear in your belly that may never go away. Now it’s your job to love, protect, care and provide for this little creature that you share zero DNA or history with. You fell in love with their parent, and now it’s a choice for you to fall in love with them. (Please read this carefully because I mean it sincerely.) Despite your best efforts, it is going to be a choice, not an easy, natural thing. 

Every day you’re going to CHOOSE to open your heart. You’re going to choose to do all the things a traditional parent does: laundry, cooking, school drop-offs, daycare, teacher meetings, etc. You’re going to choose to be the bigger person if the biological parent doesn’t like you.

Every day you’re going to CHOOSE to open your heart. You’re going to choose to do all the things a traditional parent does: laundry, cooking, school drop-offs, daycare, teacher meetings, etc. You’re going to choose to be the bigger person if the biological parent doesn’t like you. You’re going to choose to stomach the pain every time you hear “You’re not my real mom/dad!” and choose to carry on with providing for and loving this little wounded person. They may feel that loving you is somehow an affront to their other parent, and you’re going to have to choose – in this case and in so many others – to love them even harder. 

Normal things for a parent will become impossible for you. You can’t get any information from a doctor, no matter how sick the little one is, because you’re not their parent. You can’t get them library cards or sign them up for sports. You basically need a permission slip to give permission – and sometimes that isn’t enough. You have to follow someone else’s parenting style, even if it drives you crazy, because it’s not up to you. Nothing is.

You will undoubtedly receive some of the same joys a biological parent would. Their little hugs will melt your heart and you’ll revel in the fact that you had a hand in who they are as a person. However, it’s very likely that you won’t be their first choice to walk them down the aisle. When the little girl you raised asks for her mother instead of you in the dressing room at her wedding, it’s going to feel like a punch in your guts. When your stepson chooses his biological father over you for a camping trip with Boy Scouts, even though YOU are the one who has faithfully taken them every week, your heart will fall right out of your chest. There probably won’t be a day that goes by that you aren’t reminded, at least in some capacity, exactly where you stand. Being a stepparent doesn’t refer to being a step up. It’s a step down. And if you forget that for a second, it’ll rip your heart out every time.

Being a stepparent isn’t harder than being a biological parent – it’s just different. And it all comes down to a choice. You’ll choose to love them. You’ll choose to protect them. You’ll choose to provide for them. Why? Because while parents may get all the glory, it’s the really good stepparents of the world that choose to love when they didn’t have to. Biology didn’t make this little creature your child, love did. DNA doesn’t tie you to them, love does. For all the pain, the guilt, the self-doubt, and the barbed words of an honest child – love wins. The first time they reach for you because they’re sad, the first time they tell you they love you, the first time they fall asleep on your chest feverish and smelling of vapor rub, you’ll know in their own way that they chose you, too. And for all of us struggling to make a whole family from the scattered pieces of a broken one, that little choice is worth everything.