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All Issues » The Rear End
The Rear End
Issue #147 March 11, 2010
Jacket Required
when spring appears, so does a trusty old metaphor for change
We’re smack dab in the middle of the grimy flux betwixt seasons, and I’m filled with one part sunny delight, one part agitated dismay. But thankfully, the change of seasons is always brief in Wisconsin, and soon, I’ll be all parts sunny delight.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #146 February 25, 2010
One Car All Stars
living the one-car family lifestyle is easy ... if you’re me
So my advice is to have one adult in the family quit their job. BAM. Now you have one less place to drive and one less hand grabbing for the car keys. Easy, right?
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #145 February 11, 2010
Stepping Out
perhaps it’s time to visit our geographical neighbors
The chances of the average Eau Claire resident hanging out in Chippewa Falls or Menomonie aren’t any better than the chances of the average UWEC Business Major hanging out at the Five O’Clock Club.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #144 January 28, 2010
Composting Boasting
winter time is no time to stop biodegrading stuff
If you feel burnt out with your current lifestyle, if you feel totally zombified by your TV and cell phone and iPod and electric foot massagers and toaster ovens ... try a big, stinky compost pile. It works for me.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #143 January 14, 2010
Hand to Hand
I guess raising kids means getting your hands dirty
“OK,” I soothed, slightly confused as she placed the second one in my hand. “I’ll put them away. What are these, sweetie?”
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #142 December 24, 2009
What Lies Beneath
I live my life directly above the object of my dread
Using the amount of dusty, stringy cobwebs clinging to my basement ceiling’s exposed floor joists, you can accurately pinpoint my house’s spider count at somewhere between 300,000 and 500,000.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #141 December 10, 2009
The Sappiest Time of Year
keeping it real on the Christmas tree scene
Raise your sticky, crud-crusted hand if you hate pine pitch. Christmas trees are positively oozing with that crap.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #140 November 26, 2009
Fighting the First Wave of Christmas
I’ve seen decorations up before Halloween. Why, dear god, why?
People – even people who wait all year for Christmas to come with candy canes tightly grasped in their bemittened hands – need to chill out.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #139 November 12, 2009
Swamp Things!
when I go hunting, I find a lot more than deer
First of all, let me say that, for those of us with active imaginations, walking through a swamp on the way to your deer stand at 4:30ish in the morning is an experience somewhere between spooky and crap-your-pants terrifying.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #138 October 29, 2009
Halloween!
the defining holiday in a young boy’s dorky life
Halloween gives us that strange and amazing mixture of fear and excitement that can only happen once a year when we’ve eaten enough sugar to kill a zebra.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #137 October 15, 2009
A Bat Story
it’s a good time of year to talk about bats. so let’s do that
I calmly turned to my wife, and in a calm voice I calmly said, “Get out of the room. Now.”
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #136 October 1, 2009
Ooh, It's So Good
the humble church cookbook contains many hidden pleasures
I like to invent stories about the people who seem to contribute most of the recipes to church cookbooks because they’re an overbearing, frilly blouse-wearing, control freak church ladies. I’m talking about you, Millie Knutson.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #135 September 17, 2009
Complexly the Best
given the right parameters, I’m often the best at certain things
When people learn about how good I am with my thumbs, they often say I should enter international videogame tournaments or high stakes twiddle-offs. (You may be thinking the very same thing right now.)
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #134 September 3, 2009
I Did Not Grow Up Taking Walks
I grew up doing a lot of things, but my feet were seldom involved
I did not grow up taking walks. I grew up eating an entire bag of microwave popcorn after school. In fact, my childhood pretty much coincided with what historians believe to be the golden age of microwaveable popping corn.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #133 August 20, 2009
I Never Did Homecoming
maybe I was wrong to avoid that big parking lot party
I never did a lot of the “normal” college stuff. I never lived in the dorms. I never played Ultimate Frisbee. I never “studied all night long” so I could “get good grades.”
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #132 August 6, 2009
The Valley Gets a New Listener
upon the birth of my second kid, I’m thinking about music
So far, my fathering skill set mostly consists of successfully fighting my daughter for the “Clipo” pieces I need to complete my Awesome Battle Tower with Giant Cannons and Grappling Hook Launchers.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #131 July 23, 2009
Twitter Is Not Dumb
most people talking about Twitter don’t seem to get it
The internet has been making masturbatory self-aggrandizing as easy 1-2-3 for over a decade now.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #130 July 9, 2009
Ant Overload!
the mysterious case of all those ants in my apartment that one time
For some unknown reason, every breed of ant the universe has ever bred stopped by apartment. My kitchen sink was like the friggin’ alien cantina in Star Wars.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #129 June 25, 2009
My Hipster Backlash Backlash
Making Fun of those Idiot Hipsters is so Mainstream
"Bashing hipsters is just like bashing goth kids or emo kids or Young Republicans. People do it because they’re easy targets."
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #128 June 11, 2009
A Trip Down Festival Lane
he who has the cheap plastic carnival prizes has the power
We had that one booth where kids scare the crap out of a table-full of goldfish by repeatedly pelting their little glass bowls with ping pong balls.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #127 May 28, 2009
No Cluckin' Way
are backyard chickens a good idea for the Chippewa Valley?
The intrigue ended in the very first sentence: “You will need to be OK with gutting a chicken.”
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #126 May 14, 2009
Parallel Life
honking a metaphorical horn at all you horrible parkers
A lot of drivers pull halfway into a space and think, “Screw it. Close enough.” They promptly leave their car to enter Best Buy and purchase a Celine Dion box set.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #125 April 30, 2009
Out of This World Garage Sales
planet-sized garage sale memories and well-informed tips
Dolls always sell well. Convince your children they’d rather have $3 than some stupid doll.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #124 April 16, 2009
Reading Something Into It
ah, the library – that electrifying mistress of knowledge
While the other boys were playing sports, I was checking out Agatha Christie novels.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #123 April 2, 2009
Beer, Here
Wisconsin taught me to love beer (one guy’s story)
I can remember the first time I went out to a bar and ordered a drink.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #122 March 19, 2009
Not So Super ... Market
loving and hating the Chippewa Valley’s grocery stores
One thing I love about grocery shopping is pushing the grocery cart. It’s an art form.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #121 March 5, 2009
Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost
I’m so bad with directions, it’s practically almost not even funny
Fact: It will never take you more than twenty minutes to get anywhere in Eau Claire.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #120 February 19, 2009
Better than Being in a Rock Band
lay off the minivan-driving parents (they’re busy with important work)
Any of you guys have any experience cleaning spaghetti vomit out of a mattress? Anyone?
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #119 February 5, 2009
The Cold
something strangely chilling about this year’s winter
Usually, I look down on Wisconsinites who complain about snow and cold weather.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #118 January 22, 2009
Shovel Versus Shovel
why do my neighbors have to be so friggin’ nice?
At times, I swear they purposely try to beat me to the sidewalk. But that’s crazy right?
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #117 January 8, 2009
On New Year's Eve
I ate some crackers so now I’m ready to predict stuff
I predict that your favorite ethnic restaurant will close and you'll be very, very pissed.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #116 December 18, 2008
Everybody Hates Homemade Christmas
the eternal family struggle of crafting your own stupid holiday gift
Back in the old days, you had to go out and slaughter a goat to make a towel rack or something.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #115 December 4, 2008
Santa and Me
rough patches in my relationship with the fat man
Santa Claus makes me think about a wayside bathroom nestled alongside Hwy 53.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #114 November 20, 2008
Making a Neighborhood Happen
you can’t just sit back and hope your neighborhood stays cool
I grew up on Eau Claire’s west side. When we first moved ...
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #113 November 6, 2008
Going the Distance
my idea of competition doesn’t involve a whole lot of running
Before blowing her whistle, my teacher asked us what kind of car we wanted to be.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #112 October 23, 2008
I’m a Twig Fest Fan
quaint, small-town festival knocks the snark right out of me
A big ribbon-wrapped barrel of kitsch with the word ‘cherish’ hand-painted on the side.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #111 October 9, 2008
Camping Champion
inner urges for the outdoors come raging to the surface
I want to forge trails, man! Can’t a guy like me do a little light forging around here?
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #110 September 25, 2008
The Other Side of Autumn
everyone likes fall, and perhaps that should change
Everyone likes fall, and perhaps that should change.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #109 September 11, 2008
Running for the Borders
hitting the “non-local” book shop for some non-local fun
My family and I are struggling to live a “local life” just as much or more so than most people.
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #108 August 28, 2008
My First Internet
where it all started for me and the world wide web
As a wise man named Al Pacino said in a stupid movie about lawyers and Satan (costarring Keanu .
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #107 August 14, 2008
Safety Concerns
some people actually worry about their personal safety around here
We shouldn`t avoid thinking about this violence. We already live in a bit of a bubble ...
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #106 July 31, 2008
I Wish It Was Livelier
a newcomer`s one-sentence summary of downtown
At one point he remarked, éDowntown`s nice, but I wish it was ... livelier."
words by Mike Paulus
The Rear End
Issue #105 July 17, 2008
Drama Downtown
why a downtown theater and Harrison Ford are a part of my childhood
Basically, I got into an R-rated movie before I was old enough.
words by Mike Paulus
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Monday, Mar. 8, 2010 Bethke Runs Deep |
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Monday, Mar. 8, 2010 New Book Completes Trilogy on Altoona History |
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Monday, Mar. 8, 2010 The Tiger on the Page |
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Monday, Mar. 8, 2010 Posters & Pin-Ups |
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You're right, Lynn, a wonderful story, and the book sounds beautiful, too. ...
Thanks4Asking
03/16/10
from article: The Tiger on the Page
brian is a very humble and talented musician. from the first time i met him...
E & J Giardina
03/16/10
from article: Bethke Runs Deep
That might be true, but the SNES was not without its 32-bit cartridge games...
Tyler Griggs
03/15/10
from article: Powerglove
yo, 32-bit was playstation. nes and snes was 8 and 16.
anonymous
03/15/10
from article: Powerglove
I have tickets!!!! I can hardly wait...
03/13/10
from article: Whad'ya Know Again?
Abi,what a wonderful story! I was working my first nursing job in the earl...
Lynn Severson
03/13/10
from article: The Tiger on the Page
I liked that.
Rural Fox
03/12/10
from article: Jacket Required
You can download all the past episodes of Underdog radio FREE @ http://www....
Brian Bethke
03/11/10
from article: Bethke Runs Deep