The Rear End

Just Local Halloween

a whole bunch of really well-thought-out costume ideas

Mike Paulus |

Well here we are – so close to Halloween you can almost taste the chewy, vaguely peanut butter-flavored candies wrapped in orange and black wax paper that no one you know actually likes. And I’m betting you’re still looking for that perfect Halloween costume. You need something to dazzle your friends, family, and many, many household cats. Well, fear not! I’m here to help with a plethora of solid gold, locally-themed costume ideas sure to elicit an emotional response from the people in your life ranging from fear to pity. Let’s get to it!

If you’re heading down to Water Street on the night of Oct. 31, why not dress up as ... Water Street? Paint a street right down your middle and line it with tiny, local businesses. Just be careful, as many local Halloween-lovers won’t realize or even care which Water Street they are vomiting upon. Also, you may cause some disoriented tavern patrons to believe they’ve suddenly grown into giants.

Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox have been absolutely overdone as a couple’s costume, BUT WAIT! Why not combine the two for “Bunyan the Blue Centaur?”

Dressing up as a Trader Joe’s will make you a popular trick-or-treater in Eau Claire. Everyone will want you at their party. But the best part about dressing up as a Trader Joe’s location is that, while everyone will be excited to have you appear, you never have to show up. Simply stay at home and enjoy your tasty, certified organic treats costing less than comparable products found at Whole Foods.

Food-based costumes can be whimsical and fun. On that note, given that most people’s complaints about the looming changes to the Downtown Eau Claire Farmers Market’s “local ingredients in prepared foods” policy seem to boil down to not getting an egg roll while at the market next summer, howsabout you dress up as a phantom egg roll? They’re supernaturally delicious.

Feel like talking a stroll down the gruesome side of the street? Of all the local horrors one can imagine, the thing most conjured in the minds of concerned Chippewa Valley citizens seems to be the lurking, looming, soggy monster known as The Flood Plain. According to some of the area’s older inhabitants, The Flood Plain creeps within the choppy waters of the Chippewa River ... watching ... waiting. It sneaks up on local developers who dare to build large, expensive buildings near a riverbank, because it’s somehow a good bet these hapless architects would spend tens of millions of dollars on high-profile construction projects without the basic knowledge that rivers tend to overflow.

Boo. Flood Plain. Scary stuff.

On a related note, you could also dress up as the Chippewa River (a blue body suit adorned with fish, seaweed, discarded traffic cones, etc.) and ask everyone in the city to “turn their backs on you” for 60-plus years.

But perhaps that’s obscure and confusing.

Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox have been absolutely overdone as a couple’s costume, BUT WAIT! Why not combine the two for “Bunyan the Blue Centaur?” I envision a blue ox’s body, but where Babe’s head should be, a flannel-clad torso erupts, culminating in robust lumberjack arms, a little stocking cap, and a mighty beard feared by every hardwood tree east of the Mississippi. Such a costume should only take 80-90 hours to engineer and build.

Those looking to celebrate the less-disturbing side of Halloween have a number of options as well. Sticking with the mythical logger theme, some variations on Babe the Blue Ox include Babe the Blue Fox (difficulty level: moderate), Babe the Blue Box (difficulty level: easy), and Babe in Blue Socks (difficulty level: n/a).

And lest we forget, the Chippewa Valley enjoys a rich history of cryptozoological phenomena – an absolute goldmine of local costume ideas. You could dress up as Rhinelander’s famed hodag monster. Or perhaps a Caryville hell hound is more your thing. There’s also the legendary Werewombat of Jim Falls, the rumored spider-faced squirrels of Eleva, and or course, the Muskie-Mouth Boy said to prowl the shallow waters of Dells Pond, his fish teeth glinting in Wisconsin’s October moonlight.  

So there you go! Please enjoy a fun and safe Halloween night, and remember – if it doesn’t take at least a few minutes to explain your costume, you’re doing something wrong.