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Local Letters to Santa (2011)

colorful correspondence between area folks and the big, bearded guy

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by Eric Rasmussen

Dear Santa,

 Look, man, I don’t want to be a jerk about this, but right off the bat, I have to tell you I am NOT happy. So, this summer, Hastings Way AND Rudolph Road get redone, and I barely had my potholes filled. Are you trying to rub it in? I get it, I get it, budgets, priorities, I’ve heard that all before. But my curbs are crumbling, my cracks are widening. Please, a little concrete, some new trees, give me a good Christmas.

– Brackett Avenue

 Dear Brackett Avenue,

 I know how it must feel, with every other arterial roadway in the area getting a makeover, and you are left out. I have a lot of sympathy, I do. We will definitely talk to the city council, and get some surveyors out there. No worries, friend, no worries.

– Santa

 

Dear Jolly Christmas Elf, 

Merry Christmas! First of all, I hope you are taking it easy on the Christmas cookies! Fruits and vegetables, Santa, fruits and vegetables! Second, you know I was recently redone to stress the importance of fruits and vegetables, and just when I was starting to get some traction, all sorts of people start getting sick from cantaloupes! Can I just have ONE year without a major food-borne illness from fresh produce? Or, even better, maybe you can arrange some E. Coli on some Doritos? Trichonosis from Slim Jims? Diptheria on some Corn Nuts?

– The New Food Pyramid

 Dear Food Pyramid,

About those cookies … Dried cranberries and raisins count as fruit, right? So, a bunch of those cookies could be a serving. And if I drink a bunch of orange juice, that’s got to be a few servings, I’m sure. And I know French fries don’t count as vegetables, but they kind of count, right? So, I’m doing pretty good.

– Kris “Bowl Full of Jelly” Kringle

 

Dear Santa,

My son told me I had to get tickets to see Bon Iver, so I waited in line for two hours, but then I had a hair appointment, so I left. I heard people were waiting for four or five hours. Seriously? It’s not like The Who was coming to town. Sure, I’d wait five hours for James Taylor or someone like that, but seriously. But my son really wants tickets. Can you help?

– Mrs. Miller

Dear Mrs. Miller,

You bet I waited five hours for my tickets. The most joy I ever experience is putting For Emma on my headphones, taking a bath, and crying. I will be keeping all five of the tickets I purchased so I can lay down at the show and just feel. Sorry I can’t help this time!

– Santa

 

Santa,

Sorry to bring this up again, but this has just really been bothering me. Main Street was fixed LAST YEAR. Main Street. That’s just unacceptable. You’re heading downtown, what would you rather look at – some nice trees, a few local businesses, or crap people have stacked in their front yards? I’m sure it wasn’t supposed to be comparison thing, but come on, man. Come on.

– Brackett Avenue

Dear Brackett,

Like I said, I will do everything I can, alright? I promise I will leave a stoplight under your tree, and you will be able to add it to your remodel just as soon as we can get you on the docket. It’s not like I can bring tons of concrete on the sleigh!

– Saint Nick

 

Dear Santa Claus,

 Santa! I have run out of old buildings to turn into swanky apartments, and then I was gonna try building a new one, and the city said I couldn’t anymore. What the H?!? Do they, like, not understand that I am a master of upper-end eateries and living spaces?!? What am I supposed to do now? I have antique Eau Claire memorabilia coming out my ears. Where am I going to put it all?

– John M.

John,

That’s a tough one. Where else could you contribute something of quality to the cityscape, even if it’s on your own extended time frame? What about the Schlegelmilch House? Turn that into a tapas restaurant with a few lofts up top? Or what about the new jail? You could buy that right out from under the county, whip out a Dave and Buster’s sort of place, with, of course, some loft apartments on top. I’ll find something for you,

– Mr. Klaus

 

Dude, Santa,

 Floating on the river TOTALLY RAWKS!11!11 but every once in awhile there’s still little pockets of that yellow foam that used to be all over. What is that? Toxic waste? People not respecting the storm drains? Could you get us a little clean-up, aisle Chippewa River?

– Sun Loving Chippewa Valley Teens

Yo teens,

I have been meaning to try tubing! I’ve got my red swimsuit, red swim suspenders, and thanks to the magic of Christmas, my belly button produces candy canes, so maybe we could make a chain, and you could float me a few brews. I would bring, you know, the candy canes. And if I could get a ride back to the park, that would be awesome. Would you have space for a few reindeer? If not, that’s totally cool, but I did tell them they could come, so …

– S. Claus

 

Santa,

 Sorry, but I was just sitting here thinking … Is this about the Three Brothers/Laredos/Pink Pig/Dakota Grill/Klassix building? I know you were a big fan of all the restaurants at that place. You know that wasn’t my fault, right? I had nothing to do with that. Plus, it’s been years! How long do I need to be punished? The place burned down, for cripe’s sake. Look, I just hope this isn’t about that. Because that is not fair. Let me know,

– Brackett Ave.

Brackett, What do you want me to say? You want me to be honest? I loved that place. It was super convenient, I used to go there as a kid. It sucks that it’s gone. Do I blame you? What do you think? SHOULD I blame you? Look, I’m still good for that stoplight, but I think you and I are going to have to take it easy for a while. I’ll be taking Clairemont down to Menomonie Street to get downtown. Don’t write again. 

– Mr. Santa Claus

 



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