The judges of Volume One's 7th Annual Fiction Contest have pulled out their favorite one-liners from this year's entries ...


One book suggested that, for the mental health of the fish, the tank should not be shaped like a frying pan.

You looked up, so, so sad, slowly sinking into the swampy a**hole of a donkey named Despair.

The plant was against everything John Wayne stood for.

But before they could do anything, the dog turned brown and began to talk.

Forgive me as I drop my hairy legs, Wookie man said.

Two glazed doughnuts sat in a bulbous pimple head.

Sunlight and bog crap slipped through the tears in the tent, and washed over Alex, made her new again.

He had embezzled $93 million from the city and spent it on every internet porn site on the internet

“I will go to Mobil and get some beer and we will figure something out,” Phil said. 

I shake the cobwebs and sigh.

Spike objects with a fart.

My lovely friend sat across from me, hitching up her pants like an old man.

Butch jiggled as he walked, the sun beams reflecting beautifully off the bald surface of his head.

A wrinkled hand gently strokes the dry head of the mop cradled in the old man’s lap.

20,000 babies in America had super powers.

They call me Pyro-Monica.

She came in holding up her pants in one hand and cradling a Tupperware container in the other.

The only festive object in the room was an electronic dancing Santa, which Willie punched after a devastating loss.

Penny breathed a sigh of relief as her feet hit the pavement outside that tomb of commerce and revenue.

Now, every time she saves someone they get a coupon for one free bottle of water (with a purchase of 11 other bottles, of course). I hate her.