Police Reports | July 23, 2009

Eric Rasmussen

1.  Do not assume your neighbor took his kindergarten curriculum about sharing seriously and help yourself to some chicken off his grill.
2.  In many ways, all couches look the same – cushions, arms, perhaps a blanket draped across the back. Therefore, it may be necessary to use other clues about the couch to ascertain if it is in fact yours, and if its actual owner will mind if you crash there.
3.  There are numerous ways to prevent shoplifting at your next garage sale – host the sale in an open area, always stay close to the merchandise, and chase suspected thieves on your bike before pulling a pocketknife on them.
4.  Before checking out of a hotel room, always check under the bed’s dust ruffle to make sure your haven’t forgotten anything, like a stray sock, loose change, or your loaded handgun.
5.  If, as a last resort, the only place you can find to smoke marijuana is in a van in the parking lot across from the police station, at least wait until the officers’ shift change is complete.

6.  While leading police on a high-speed chase is fun by itself, you may also enjoy reinforcing Jeff Foxworthy-caliber stereotypes while you do so. For example, why not abuse some drugs, start in a trailer park, AND drive a Pontiac Trans Am?

7.  Say you are very, very angry at someone who is driving away in a pickup truck, and you have come up with several creative methods to express that anger.  If one of those methods is putting out your foot to stop the truck, pause for a moment and try to remember the basics of high school physics.

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