Police Reports | May 28, 2009

Eric Rasmussen |

1.  Students who attend virtual schools have no opportunity to learn traditional school etiquette, including general rules like 16-year-olds do not belong in middle schools, during the summer, at night.
 
2.   Smoking is bad for your health for several reasons, including lung cancer, heart disease, and DNA lifted from carelessly discarded butts that lead to your arrest and imprisonment.
 
3.  Before posting nude pictures of your significant other on MySpace to get back at her, plan an additional act of vengeance, because you are going are going to be really miffed when the first one earns you three years of probation.
 
4.  Trying to return clothing purchased at thrift stores to department stores for full price makes hipsters cry.

5.  Doing the dishes is no fun, but doing the dishes really sucks when your kitchen window allows you a view of your naked 52-year-old neighbor touching himself.

6.  Every heist movie team contains a hacker who got his start by changing his grades, but unfortunately, not every high school kid who changes his grades avoids prosecution to join such a team.

7.  If you help out a handicapped woman and she offers you some cookies or a few dollars, say, “Thank you.” But if you leave the interaction with a brand-new motorcycle, someone was taken advantage of (NOT you).

8.  In order to reduce their carbon footprints, some people are willing to drive all the way from Hallie to the Eau Claire County Jail parking lot to complete their altercations, which saves police loads of gas.

9.  One huge clue that all those e-mails from people in Nigeria are scams is that we’re pretty sure Nigeria is entirely made up.

10.  When planning to steal a pizza on foot, 2am sounds like a good time, no doubt. Unless you are on Water Street, because that’s the exact time that EVERYONE steps outside, including the police.

11.  When you “accidentally” admit to “engaging” a prostitute, clarifying that you actually just traded beer and lodging for her “services” before she stole your pants will not earn you sympathy or a reduced sentence.

12. 
Say you lose some marijuana and need some help. Lucky for you, there are loads of municipal workers, some with specially trained dogs, just waiting to help you out.